


Hate to See Your Heart Break

by whatthefun



Series: Summertime Sadness [2]
Category: Bandom, Bring Me The Horizon, You Me At Six
Genre: M/M, sequel to summertime sadness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-07
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-03-06 13:23:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3136004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatthefun/pseuds/whatthefun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a month since Oli and Josh have seen each other. School is hard for both of them, leaving them with hardly any free time. Still they're able to maintain a long-distance realtionship.<br/>But Josh still hasn't talked to Dan and they're technically still dating, even though they hardly spoke since school started. Josh thinks that can wait and school is more important but will it really work out that way?</p><p> </p><p>  <b>This is a sequel to Summertime Sadness, I recommend you read that first.</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Josh.

I dropped my phone next to me on the bed, looking over to Max. He was still busy with his Call of Duty game, tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration.

“Are you ever going to make it and save that stupid girl?”

“Yes, now shut up, I need to concentrate.” I rolled my eyes distinctively, picking my phone back up just to see that Oli hadn’t texted me back yet.

It’s been a month since I’ve seen him the last time. Although we texted all the time and talked on the phone every night and skyped from time to time I still missed him terribly. I was in far too deep with that guy. I also hadn’t talked to Dan since school started. We didn’t meet up, didn’t talk, hell, we hardly looked at each other. At lunch he always sat with Matt and Chris and all the other cool kids in school, while Max and I had our own little table, just for the two of us. It was exactly like when we started high school, when I was still that little loser that had a massive crush on Dan, always watching him from across the cafeteria. Now I barely glanced at him. Since we didn’t talk I didn’t have the chance to break up with him yet. Which was basically just an excuse because I could just walk up to him and tell him it’s over. Of course I didn’t have the balls for that. It was a fucked up situation, I was dating two guys at the same time and I also knew that Dan had cheated on me with some Australian guy. I saw the pictures on Facebook. He wasn’t even that hot.

On the other hand, being separated from Dan and all the jocks helped me get back on track. I had straight A’s and B’s again, studied with Max for tests and exams and even did my homework. I didn’t go to any parties (mainly because I wasn’t invited), didn’t drink as much as before and stopped smoking. And Max and I got closer again, without Dan separating us we quickly became inseparable again. Funny how that had been my biggest nightmare when I left at the beginning of the summer and now I enjoyed it more than ever.

“Dude, you dreaming about Oli again?” I looked up to Max again who was now done with his game.

“Nope. Well, a little bit. More thinking about my current situation and how I was absolutely terrified of it all happening last summer and how happy I am about it now. I missed you as my best friend.”

“You still were my best friend, even when we hung out with Matt and Chris and the others.”

“Well, yes, but I neglected you a little bit back then. And I’m sorry about that. And I’m happy that everything is the way it used to be now. I like hanging out with you every day. I missed it.”

“Aww, am I supposed to cry now?” He wiped a fake tear out of the corner of his left eye.

“No, asshole. You could accept my apology.”

“Apology accepted. You didn’t need to do that though, I’ll always be your best friend, no matter how shitty you treat me, no matter how big of a fight we had and no matter how much you hurt me. That’s what best friends are for.” I smiled at his little speech and nodded, pulling him in for a hug. Man, I really missed this.

“Okay, enough physical contact, I love you, too, bro.” He laughed and broke away, “Now we just have to get you some balls so you can finally break up with Dan and be happy with Oli. You better invite me to your wedding.”

“You’ll be my best man, mate.” I let out a sigh, “I know I should’ve broken up with Dan as soon as I found out he was cheating.”

“Then why didn’t you do it?”

“Because I’m a huge pussy?”

“That you are. Still, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal to just walk up to him and be like ‘Hey Dan, sorry to say this but it’s over’. You never had a problem with breaking up with somebody before.”

“I know, it’s just…it’s complicated.”

“Yes, except that it isn’t.”

And of course he was right.

~~~

The ringing doorbell tore me out of my staring contest with the TV in the living room. I didn’t even know what I was watching; I’d been staring at the screen with an empty expression for about an hour now. It wasn’t like I was thinking about something; it was just one of those moments where you stare into space without thinking about anything specific. The doorbell rang again, reminding me that I should maybe get up and open the door. I stood up slowly and padded over to the door, opening it when I reached it. My eyes widened as soon as I saw who was standing at my doorstep, I was not expecting this.

“Hi Josh. Uhm, I need to talk to you about something,” Dan said, scratching his neck awkwardly.

“So do I. Wanna come in?” I stepped aside, opening the door further to let Dan in. He walked over to the living room, sitting down on the couch. I closed the door behind me, went to the fridge in the kitchen to get two bottles of water before following him and sitting down next to him on the couch, making sure to leave enough room between us.

“What did you wanna talk about?” I asked, handing him one of the bottles.

“Us.”

“What about us?”

“Come on, Josh. There are obviously some unsolved issues between us.”

“Yes, that’s why we didn’t talk. What’s the issue though?”

“What did you wanna talk about?”

I sighed. “Don’t try to change the subject.”

“Alright. Uh, I know we weren’t very close over the past few months, what with you being at your grandparents’ and me being in Australia and then when school started we hardly talked and you started to become a fucking nerd again (I rolled my eyes at that) and you only hung out with Max and not me and the boys anymore-“

“Yeah, maybe that’s because you completely ignored me? You were the one who always turned away whenever I walked over to you to try and talk and you were the one who would never make eye contact or reply to any of my messages or texts. So don’t even try to blame it all on me, because none of this is my fault.”

“I know and I’m sorry. I know I acted like an asshole and I don’t even know why.” ~~Probably because you fucking cheated on me and feel guilty.~~ He sighed. “But I want us to work out. I still love you, Josh.” Normally I’d feel guilty now because I was about to break up with him (finally) but I knew he wasn’t serious. I knew he didn’t love me, or else he wouldn’t have cheated. Just like I didn’t love him.

“You never loved me, Dan.”

“You don’t know that. Just because I never say it doesn’t mean that I don’t like you.”

“There’s a difference between liking someone and loving someone.”

“I know.” He looked down in his lap, intently studying the still unopened water bottle before setting it aside on the couch table. I was just about to say something else when I suddenly felt hands cup my cheek and wrap around my neck before his lips were on mine. It took me a second to realize what was going on, but when I got over the initial shock I put my hands on his chest, firmly pushing him away and successfully separating our lips again.

“Dan, no, I can’t. This is not-“

“Shut up. Of course you can. C’mon Josh, I know you want it.” And before I could say anything else his lips were on mine again, his hands under my shirt, pushing it up slowly. And despite every fiber in my body screaming no, I let it happen, pulling my shirt off and throwing it off somewhere, letting Dan push me down on my back and climb on top of me.


	2. Oli.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm!**

My knuckles hit the green wooden door three times before my hand dropped back down, grasping the bouquet of roses. There was a little white card in between the flowers, the name ‘Josh’ scribbled on it in my scratchy handwriting. I heard shuffling from behind the door before it opened, revealing Josh, only wearing boxers and sporting a rather large boner. I tore my eyes from his crotch and looked up at him, a smile visible on my face. His eyes widened in either shock or surprise, probably both.

“Hey, sweetheart.” I greeted, tightening my grip on the flowers out of nervousness. I knew it was kinda sudden to just stand in front of his door like that but I wanted it to be a surprise. It was Saturday and I thought I could stay the night. Josh surely wouldn’t have a problem with that, right?

“Uh, hi Oli. W-What are you doing here?” He looked really nervous.

“Thought I’d visit you over the weekend. It’s been a while since we saw each other the last time, other than Skype, and I really missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

“I can see that.” I said, referring to his hard on. He looked down on himself and blushed in a deep crimson. “So, will you let me in now?”

“U-Uh, I can’t.

I frowned. “You can’t?”

“Yes, I can’t. Oli, it’s a really bad time right now, I-“

“Hey babe, are you gonna come back and finish what you started or what?” Another voice I didn’t recognize came from behind Josh.

“Josh, who’s that?” I asked, my voice shrinking. I had an idea of what was going on.

“Oli, I-“ Before he could finish his sentence another guy appeared behind him, wrapping his arms around Josh’s waist.

“Oh, who’s this? Is he going to join in on the fun?” And suddenly it clicked, it all made perfect sense, why Josh was so scared, why I couldn’t come in, why both of them only wore boxers, the raging boners, the disheveled hair and the swollen red lips. Tears welled up in my eyes, my arms dropping uselessly to my sides, letting go of the flowers.

“J-Josh?” My voice was feeble and high pitched, barely above a whimper.

“Oli, please this isn’t what it looks like…”

“Then what is it?!” My sadness quickly turned into anger, “What is going on here if it isn’t what it looks like?! Do you always cuddle with your friends half naked and have a boner?! I thought you loved me.” As fast as my anger rose it faded, making the previously pushed back tears flow freely down my face. I didn’t want to cry, especially not in front of the stranger, who was probably Dan, but I couldn’t help myself. I hadn’t been in love with anybody for years and I also hadn’t had my heart broken since. Hell, this hurt more than knowing my parents were dead.

“Oli, I do love you, you have to believe me.”

“If you did, you wouldn’t have cheated on me.” I turned around and walked away, ignoring Josh’s pleas to stop and let him explain. I only made it one block until I felt a hand grab my upper arm, turning me around easily. Josh stood in front of me again, fully closed this time with tears streaming down his face, just like mine.

“Please, Oli, you have to believe me that I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, he started it and-“

“You could’ve pushed him away.” My voice was cold as ice.

“And I did! Believe me, I did but he came back and…and…I just couldn’t help myself, I couldn’t resist…”

“Well, that’s the point of being in a relationship, you have to be able to resist other people, no matter how hot or whatever they are. God, all you ever told me was lies! I can’t fucking believe that I trusted you, that I fell for you so easily! I asked you if you ever cheated and you lied straight into my face! What else did you lie about? Wanting to be my boyfriend?! Wanting to be my friend?! Loving me?! Did you even want to hang out with me in the first place or was I always just a summer fling, someone to spend some time with while you were away from your friends?! Was that the plan?! Leading the poor, depressive emo-kid on so you can crush his heart afterwards?! Fuck, Tom was right all along! You’re nothing but a filthy little liar, a fucking cheater! I’m done, I don’t want to see you ever again!” I turned around again, tears freely flowing down my face.

“Oli, no, wait!” Josh grabbed my arm again, “Please, believe me, I didn’t lie! I really do love you, more than anything else and I wanna be friends with you and I wanna be your boyfriend and I wanna spend as much time with you as possible and I swear to God, I wanted to break up with Dan the whole time, but I didn’t have the balls and Oli please, I love you…”

“Well, you have a fucking weird way of showing it!” I spat, tearing my arm out of his grip and finally making it into my car. Driving while crying so hard probably wasn’t a good idea but I didn’t give a single shit at that moment, all I wanted was to get away from the boy who ripped my fucking heart out as fast as possible. I could still see Josh standing there, slumped over and sobs shaking his body violently. I didn’t care. He deserved it.

After a few blocks I had to pull over, my vision was so blurred I could hardly see my hands in front of me. I pulled up into the parking lot of some supermarket, turning off the car. It was only then that I really started crying, heavy sobs shaking my body, tears staining my shirt and wetting my face. I couldn’t believe this had happened, I thought I could trust Josh more than anybody, hell, more than my own _brother_. On the other hand it was stupid from me to think that I could actually be happy for once, that I even deserved it. No, I deserved to be let down, to be hurt. I was a shitty human being, I deserved it all. The urge to cut came up again, something I hadn’t felt ever since Josh and I met. I tried to control myself, I tried to tell myself that he wasn’t worth it, that I was better than that but I knew I wasn’t. I deserved it all.

My hands rummaged through my car, desperately trying to find something, _anything_ I could hurt myself with, and if it was a fucking rubber band. Just in that moment I could hear a light tap on the window next to me. I looked up, probably looking awful from all the crying, to find a boy standing there, probably about five or six. When I didn’t react he tapped the glass again, motioning for me to roll it down. I did.

“Are you okay?” He asked, voice stronger than I would’ve expected.

“Y-Yeah, I am.” My sniffling as well as another tear rolling down my cheek showed that I really wasn’t.

“What happened? Why are you crying?” Normally I would’ve said something along the line of ‘none of your business’ but there was something so sincere and innocent in his voice that I just had to answer.

“I just found my boyfriend cheating on me.”

“Oh, that sucks. You know, my mommy once found daddy with another woman. Now daddy doesn’t live with us anymore. Mommy doesn’t want me to see him either.”

“Well, you know it really hurts when you find somebody you love with someone else, especially if said person claimed to love you back.”

“Really? Where does it hurt? I cut my finger in school the other day and it still hurts, look!” He held up his finger to me, showing me the small cut. I chuckled.

“It’s a different kind of pain. It hurts all over your body but mostly it hurts right here.” I put my finger on the spot where my heart was, where it hurt the most.

“Is that why you were crying? Because it hurts so much? You know, my mommy didn’t cry when she found daddy, she was just really mad. More mad than that one time when I broke her vase. She made daddy leave.”

“People always handle heartbreak differently. Some are strong enough not to cry. Others cry. Some get angry and scream and yell and break stuff. Others just get really quiet and don’t talk for days. It depends on your type of personality.”

“Breaking your heart sounds painful. Can you get it fixed? Are you gonna get a cast like my friend Justin did when he broke his arm?”

I laughed again. “It’s not that easy to heal a broken heart. It takes time. But I’ll be fine eventually.” I gave him the brightest smile I could muster. He seemed satisfied since he smiled back.

“I’m Sam, by the way. Mommy says I should always intro…intro…ugh I forgot the word.”

“Introduce?”

“Yes, I should always introduce myself because that’s polite. And I wanna be polite.”

“That’s a very good thing to be. My name’s Oli.”

“It was nice to talk to you but mommy’s coming. I hope your heart heals fast.” He turned around, running up to a woman that appeared to be his mum. I just shook my head, did a fucking five year-old really just keep me from cutting?! I shook my head again and started the car back up, it was time to leave this shithole and go back to Sheffield, as far away from Josh as possible.


	3. Josh.

I got back home to Dan fully dressed again, an unhappy look on his face. Oh well, not like I would care.

“Would you fucking explain to me what the hell that was?! We were here, having the greatest sex in our lives and suddenly that weird guy appears and runs away again and you’re in tears and run after him and I fucking had to get off by myself! I never get off by myself!”

“Are you for real?! Is that really your only fucking concern right now?! The fact that you had to jerk off?! Are you fucking serious?! Do you even care about anyone other than your egoistic, narcissistic self?!” I never thought I could get this angry at anybody but Dan was actually making my blood boil.

“What the fuck?! How fucking dare you to talk to me like this?! I am your fucking boyfriend, of course I care about you!”

“Oh please Dan. No, you don’t. Cause if you did you would see how red my face is, how puffy my eyes are and that I obviously cried. You wouldn’t complain about having to get off by yourself. No, you would actually ask me what’s wrong and who that guy was and why I obviously care about him so much. But you don’t, so don’t fucking try to tell me you care about me.”

I just got an annoyed eye roll in response. “Okay, fine. Josh, who was that guy?”

“My boyfriend.”

“Haha, that’s funny, I just thought you said he was your boyfriend but that’s obviously not true because I’m standing right in front of you.” Yeah, talk about being egocentric.

“I did say boyfriend.” My voice was surprisingly calm, considering how we had been screaming at each other just a few seconds ago.

“Excuse me? So you fucking cheated on me?! Are you fucking serious?! How could you? I thought you loved me!”

“Oh, come on! We talked about that whole loving thing and we both know that we don’t love each other. That’s why I’m with Oli, aka the guy who just ran away, because he actually loves me and I love him.”

“Wow. _Wow_. I can’t believe you. How could you betray me like that?” I almost started to laugh because Dan actually managed to squeeze some tears out of his eyes.

“Don’t play the victim, Dan. I know you cheated as well, I got Facebook, you know? And I highly doubt that that guy in those pictures was your cousin. You know what, how about we just break up right here and now like I wanted to for the past two months and like I wanted to when you walked in here, before you made me cheat on the love of my life? Yeah, sounds like a plan. It’s over. I’m done with you. I don’t ever want to see you or touch you or hear you or smell you again. Get the fuck out of my life. And please stop crying and being a little bitch. Go and cry to Chris or Matt or one of the other idiots and get out of my house.”

He didn’t even give me a second glance before he left, slamming the door behind him. Now that he was gone it all came back to me. The disappointed and sad look in Oli’s eyes. The tears streaming down his face. How he wouldn’t let me touch him. Or explain myself. Or apologize. And how he drove off without even looking at me, leaving me standing on the sidewalk, shaking and sobbing. I could feel my eyes filling up with tears again, threatening to fall down and I let it happen, sinking to the floor, burying my face in my knees and having my first breakdown in eight years. The last was when I found out that my sister had tried to kill herself and oh my God but that could easily happen to Oli, too. I knew he was unstable, although he made a happy impression when we were together. I quickly retrieved my phone from my pocket, hardly able to see anything because my vision was so blurry, and send two texts.

**To: Oli <3**   
_I’m so so so so sorry, please don’t kill yourself._

I wasn’t sure if it he would even read it or listen to me or if it wasn’t already too late. That thought was followed by more tears and more violent sobs. With shaky hands I typed the other text, almost dropping my phone in the process.

**To: Max**   
_I fucked everything up. Need you rn. Come over, please._

After that I put my phone down and my arms around my knees, pressing them further into my chest.

~~~

I was still crying when Max finally arrived twenty minutes later. As soon as he entered the house he came over to me, dropping his stuff carelessly and embracing me in a tight hug, whispering sweet nothings into my ear in order to calm me down. It worked, as always, and I stopped crying after a little bit.

“You alright, mate?”

“Do I look alright?”

Max chuckled and shook his head. “C’mon, let’s get you to the couch. Why don’t you stay here and calm down a little more while I make us some tea and then you tell me everything that happened?”

I just nodded and took a seat on the couch. Max disappeared into the kitchen and seconds later you could hear water boiling and the cups being moved around in the cupboards.

Max came back into view with two steaming cups of tea. He handed me one and sat down next to me, looking at me expectantly. I took a small sip of the hot tea before setting my cup down on the couch table.

“So, what happened? It has something to do with Oli, right?” He knew me far too well.

“Yes. We…I…he broke up with me.”

“Why?”

“I cheated on him. With Dan.”

“Oh no, Josh. Why would you do that? You love Oli and Dan isn’t even that hot, ignoring the fact that he cheated on you.”

“I know. It’s just…I don’t know. Dan came here to talk about our relationship and how he ‘loved’ me and how we need to fix everything and he tried to blame it all on me and I said it was his fault, because it is, and I wanted to break up with him but then he kissed me and I pushed him away but he kissed me again and I couldn’t resist, because it’s fucking Dan. You know I still have that stupid crush on him.” I ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm down and stop rambling.

“I know. What happened then?”

“Well, Dan and I were having sex and suddenly there was someone at the door and I went to open it-“

“Naked?” Max interrupted me.

“Holy shit, no, I put boxers on. Anyway, so I open the door and of course it has to be Oli with a bouquet of fucking _roses_ in his hands and he’s all like ‘I wanted to see you again and spend the weekend and I missed you blablabla’ and of course Dan has to appear right in that moment and he wraps his arms around my waist and asks if Oli wants to join in on the fun and Oli figures it all out because it really isn’t that hard to figure out and he drops the roses and runs away and I’m just like ‘shit’ and push Dan away and get dressed and run after Oli and try to explain myself but he wouldn’t listen and wouldn’t accept my apology, which is totally understandable because there is no real apology, and then he drove off and now I’m scared that he might’ve hurt or killed himself and-“

“Shh. Ok, so you really did fuck up. But I don’t think Oli killed himself or anything, he’s probably on his way back to Sheffield right now. But you and Dan are over now?”

“Yeah. I came back and he complained about having to get off by himself and I yelled at him and told him about Oli and we yelled a little more and then I broke up with him.”

“Took you long enough.”

I rolled my eyes. “Not helping. What should I do about Oli?”

“I honestly don’t know. He loves you so give him some time and he might give you a chance again. I don’t know. If I was him I probably wouldn’t forgive you but maybe he will. You really fucked it up this time, Josh, I’m not sure if you’ll get out of it again.”


	4. Tom.

I didn‘t notice that Oli entered the house or my room until I could feel him fall on my bed. I looked up from the movie I was watching on my laptop and pulled my headphones out.

“What are you doing here?”

“Why thank you for the nice greeting,” Oli replied sarcastically.

“No, I mean, you are supposed to spend the weekend with your boyfriend and it’s still Saturday, so why are you here?”

“Josh and I broke up.”

It was the simplest sentence of all and it still made my world collapse. Because now I could see Oli’s puffy swollen eyes, the tear streaks on his cheeks and the new tears forming in his eyes, threatening to fall down.

“Oh no, Oli, why?”

“You were right. He cheated on me with Dan. Hell, I bet they were still dating. They were fucking when I got to Josh’s house. Fuck, how could I be so stupid, thinking that I actually found love for once?! I don’t deserve to be happy!” He was crying now, taking shaky breaths between his words and his voice sounding choked.

“No, no, no, don’t even think like that!” I rushed over and pulled him in my arms, feeling my shirt get wet from his tears, “If anyone deserves to be happy then it’s you. You’re so strong. You can’t imagine how bad I feel for saying all those things to you when we fought, cause they’re all not true! Josh’s the bad guy here, not you! You did absolutely nothing wrong, it was all him. He cheated because he’s a horny asshole, not because you’re not gorgeous or perfect. You are the nicest human being on this planet and he’s stupid if he doesn’t see it!”

I could feel that Oli had calmed down a little bit and pushed him away lightly, my hands still on his shoulders as I studied his face.

“Please, none of this is your fault. Stop blaming it all on you and beating yourself up over it, Josh is the one who should be doing it. Alright?”

He nodded.

“Good. Do you want me to call Matt for you and have him come over?”

“Y-yeah, that’d be nice.” I nodded and got up, about to leave to call Matt.

“Oh, and Tom?”

I turned around and looked back at my brother. “Yes?”

“Please don’t ever call me gorgeous again, it’s fucking weird.”

I laughed and showed him the finger before leaving the room.

~~~

Matt and Oli hadn’t left Oli’s room since Matt arrived two hours ago. I couldn’t really hear anything other than some talking and occasional laughter and now it sounded like they were watching a movie. I honestly didn’t care about what they were doing, hell, they could be fucking for all I cared, as long as Oli was distracted they could do whatever they wanted. Although I didn’t think Matt was gay…anyway let’s not think about gay sex or anything like that for now. I lied on the couch in the living room, TV playing in the background, and wondered what to do and how to help Oli further. I was just about to get up and get something to drink when my phone rang, vibrating loudly against the coffee table where I had dropped it before. I picked it up and answered without checking the caller ID.

“Hello?”

 _“Tom? This is Dan.”_ Well, I couldn’t say that I expected him to call. Josh maybe but not Dan.

“Uh, hi. What’s up?”

_“Josh broke up with me after he fucking cheated on me with some asshole named Oli and ugh, I’m so fucking angry! Like what the fuck, how fucking could he?!”_

“Uhm…” I was so surprised that I couldn’t get anything else out. Besides, Dan just kept on talking, ignoring what I said.

_“And then he blames it all on me?! Accusing me of cheating?! I mean, yes, there was this Australian guy but holy fuck, it was just a fling! We fucked once! That’s not even a big deal!”_

“Uhm Dan, I’m sorry to interrupt but why are you telling me this?”

_“Chris and Matt are busy.”_

“Okay, so…I’m not sure if you got the memo but technically even kissing another person when you’re in a relationship is cheating. And you fucked that guy, so you definitely cheated on Josh. And I’m not sure if you knew it but that ‘asshole’ Josh was dating is my brother, so it’d be really fucking nice if you cut out the bullshit about him. He doesn’t have anything to do with yours and Josh’s shit, he’s literally just the victim that fell in love with Josh and he’s the one who’s hurt now, not you! You don’t fucking care about Josh, you were only in for the fucking and for the status of dating the infamous Josh Franceschi. And don’t even try to tell me otherwise, I’ve known you long enough to know how you are. You look for the hottest guys and girls around, act a little lovey-dovey to get them to date you so you can be able to say ‘I’m dating whoever’ and everyone gets jealous. It’s sad that Josh didn’t notice before, like, I really hate him right now but I still feel sorry for him. Anyway, be so kind and stay away from Oli and me and especially Josh since I’m gonna try to fix my brother’s and his relationship because they actually love each other. Uh, yeah, enjoy being single.”

I hung up before Dan could say anything else. Fucking prick. I thought about what I had said to him, still hearing laughing from Oli’s room. Of course I wanted him to be happy, even though I didn’t particularly like Josh. But keeping my promise and getting them back together would be extremely hard and I wasn’t entirely sure if I could do it.

~~~

“Tooom, he’s doing it again!” Oli whined, dragging out the O in my name. He held his phone towards me, Josh’s name flashing on the display. That guy had been calling every five minutes or so for the past hour, annoying me to no end. Oli and I actually wanted to watch a movie but his phone kept ringing and ringing, vibrating in between from when Oli got a text. It’s been like that ever since Sunday morning, the day after they broke up, and it was Thursday now. Oli actually had to turn off his phone during class because of Josh’s incessant tries to contact him. Of course it would’ve stopped immediately if Oli picked up the phone and told Josh to leave him alone, but my brother was too much of a pussy to do so. Not to mention that he was afraid of hearing his ex-lover’s voice again because he might fall in love and forgive him too easily and blablabla. After a certain point I stopped listening to my brother’s rant about his ex because it was basically always the same.

“Do you want me to answer the phone for you?” I asked with a sigh. Oli nodded and pushed his phone into my hand before returning his attention back to the TV. I sighed again and got up, walking over to the kitchen where I could talk undisturbed.

“Josh, what do you want?” I didn’t even bother with being nice and using proper introductions, he was going on my nerves too and I just wanted him to stop.

_“Could I talk to Oli?”_

“Why do you think I picked up his phone? Because he doesn’t wanna talk to you. And your constant calling and texting is really fucking annoying, so please stop.”

 _“I’m sorry. It’s just…I know I really fucked up and I just wanna fix it because I really love him. I know you probably hate me right now because I promised to break up with Dan and instead I went and cheated on your brother but I really am sorry and…”_ He trailed off and I could hear slight sniffing from the other line. Was he crying?

“Are you crying?” Ugh, why would you say that, Tom, that was really stupid and insensitive.

 _“What do you think I’m doing? I love him, Tom. I can hardly live with myself knowing that I hurt him like this. Jesus, apparently crying is the only thing I can do nowadays.”_ He chuckled but I could hear that it was fake.

“He’s really upset.”

_“I can imagine. I’d be upset, too. He doesn’t want to talk to me at all? Like, never again?”_

“I wouldn’t say never again but Oli is pretty stubborn when it comes to stuff like this. It’ll take him a while to forgive you.”

_“He wouldn’t even let me apologize and explain myself. Well, there’s not much to explain but…I don’t even know. I don’t even know what I would say to him other than a lame little sorry and that surely won’t help much.”_

“Well, I…Josh, I really don’t know how to help you…” It was frustrating how sorry I suddenly felt for Josh even though I wanted to be angry at him for hurting Oli. And it was frustrating to know that I really couldn’t do anything to help him. Well, actually I could. At least I promised myself to get them back together so…

_“You can’t and that’s the fucking problem! I know it’s between Oli and I but I seriously have no idea what else to do! Hell, I love him and I don’t know what to do to make him love me again-“_

“He still loves you, you know?” I interrupted quickly before Josh could start crying again, “That’s the only reason why he’s so mad at you, because he loves you. If he didn’t he would’ve forgiven you from the get-go and you’d probably be fucking right now but he truly likes you which is why he hates you so much right now. If that even makes sense. Listen, even though I’m not necessarily fond of you I’m gonna try to help you, okay? I want my brother to be happy and you’re the only one who can do that, so I’m gonna get the two of you back together, alright? Just give me some time to figure out how to do it.” My voice had dropped significantly at the end of the sentence, not wanting Oli to hear anything I said. Pretty sure he wouldn’t appreciate me helping his ex to win him back again.

_“Really? Oh my God, thank you so much! I don’t even know what to say right now, like, I definitely owe you one!”_

“It’s alright, whatever,” I laughed, “We don’t even know if it’ll work yet. Just don’t call or text Oli anymore, he won’t answer anyway. I’ll text you my number so we can stay in contact. And stop crying so much before you turn completely into a chick!”

He laughed at that and it was the first time I ever heard him laugh since he called and that was an hour ago.

_“Okay then, I’ll try to stay as manly as possible. Thanks again for your help. I guess I talk to you later.”_

“Yup, stay safe. Bye.”

_“Bye.”_

I took the phone from my ear and checked the time. According to the noises in the living room the movie was half over now. Guess I had to watch it another day. I traipsed over to where my brother was sat on the couch, eyes glued to the TV.

“Here’s your phone,” I said, tossing the device over to Oli.

“Thanks. What did he say?”

“He wanted to apologize and said that he still loved you and all that crap. I told him to not bother you anymore since you weren’t interested.”

“Thanks for talking to him. How is he?”

“Upset. He started crying a couple times. He thinks you hate him.”

“I do hate him.”

“No, you don’t. C’mon Oli, we both know that you two are made for each other.”

“Hm, that’s why he went and cheated on me.” The bitterness was literally seeping from his voice.

“Don’t think like that. Josh’s only human, we all make mistakes. Hell, I’m straight and even I’m not sure if I could resist Dan.”

“Since when are you defending him? I thought you were on my side.”

“I’m on nobody’s side. I’m just trying to stay neutral and make both of you happy again.”

“Well, stop trying cause I’m never getting back together with that prick.”

He got up and left, leaving me sitting alone and dumbfounded. This was going to be harder than I imagined.  



	5. Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somewhat graphic description of josh getting pummeled

Waking up on Monday was like hell. Okay, waking up at 6am, having to go to school always feels like hell, but that particular Monday morning was especially bad. Just the thought of seeing Dan and sitting in the same room as him for most of my classes made me want to stay home for the next ten years. Knowing him he’d tell the whole school some fucked up version of the story where I was the bad guy and he was the victim so that everybody would hate me. Not that I cared now, my reputation was pretty much non-existent anyways and it was my last year over all. I just didn’t feel like dealing with bullying and annoying jocks.

After another fifteen minutes I finally dragged myself out of bed. I left my room and walked across the hall to the bathroom, giving myself an once-over in the mirror. My appearance matched the rest of the day: hell. My hair was messy and knotted, I had dark circles under my eyes and you could still see that I had been crying last night. I shook my head and brushed my teeth quickly, deciding against a shower because it wouldn’t have helped anyways. Back in my room I put on a random shirt and jeans as well as a beanie to hide my hair. I checked myself one last time in the mirror before leaving and going downstairs. My mum was in the kitchen as I entered.

“Good morning Josh. Are you okay? You look awful!” Thanks mum.

I just shrugged and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. I got my keys and left the house, getting into my car and driving to school. When I arrived I could already see Dan and his gang standing next to the doors, probably smoking. Great, nothing better than having to see your ex-boyfriend first thing Monday morning. I sighed and grabbed my bag, getting out of the car and locking it before making my way over to the entrance. I was just about to pass them and enter the school safely when I heard my name.

“Oi, Franceschi! Where do you think you’re going?” Fucking fantastic. An annoyed huff escaped my lips when I turned around to face Dan and his monkeys. Nothing against Matt and Chris, they were actually pretty nice guys and we usually got along perfectly. Well, at least before I broke up with Dan. Unfortunately for me, they did whatever Dan told them and, judging from the malicious look on his face, they were up to no good.

“What do you want, Dan?”

“Oh come on, Josh. You really think I’d let you go just like that?” By now his monkeys were surrounding me while Dan stood right in front of me, face barely and inch away. To say that I was uncomfortable would be an understatement.

“Well, it would’ve been really fucking nice if you did y’know?”

He just let out an obnoxious snort. “Yeah sure. Especially after you broke my heart like that? Please, you’re smarter than that.”

“Are you really starting like that again? I’m seriously not in the mood for your nonsense. And I’m late for class.” It was true, the bell had rung a good ten minutes ago and I already knew my teacher would kill me for being late.

“Oh sure you are. In fact, I should probably get going, too. Wouldn’t want to ruin my last year, huh?” He mused, pushing past me. I was about to do the same and follow him when I felt a strong pair of arms grabbing me from behind. Dan laughed.

“Aww look at you little Joshie, thinking I’d really let you go. You know, I would but I think Matt and Chris want to have some fun with you first.” That did not sound good at all. Dan turned around and entered the school, two of his monkeys following him. I was still surrounded by at least four of them, including the two that held me. I looked around quickly but the parking lot was completely empty. What else to expect when classes had already started?

I started to wiggle around, trying to break free from the grasp they had on my arms but it was hopeless. Damn rugby players. Not to mention that Chris and Matt were slowly closing in on me, menacing smirks on their faces. I was definitely in some deep shit. Where was Max when I needed him?! Oh yeah right, in class where I should be, too.

“L-Listen guys, why don’t we handle this like grown-ups? Talk it out a little bit?” The nervousness and fear was ever audible in my voice.

“Aw look Matt, little Josh here is scared,” Chris snarled, face breaking into a devilish smile.

“Well, he was always a bit of a pussy. Glad that Dan isn’t dating him anymore, girls just don’t belong with the tough guys.”

“Come on, guys, this is getting ridiculous. Why don’t you just let me go? It’s not like I’m completely the bad guy, Dan cheat-“ I didn’t even get to finish my sentence before the first punch flew, straight to my face. My head flew to the side, cheek immediately heating up and stinging from pain. The next blow came right after, more precise, hitting my nose directly. I could feel blood rushing down my face and into my mouth. The next one was a knee to the stomach which had me doubling over, holding my stomach to try and ease the pain. Of course it didn’t help. After that everything was a blur of kicking and punching, now all four of them working on me. I didn’t know how long I lied on the ground, whimpering and whining, with tears streaming down my face until they finally stopped and left, laughing and joking about my pathetic ass. Not that it mattered to me anyway.

I rolled over onto my back, face contorting in pain. I swear to God it felt like they broke every single bone in my fucking body. I coughed up some blood, spitting it out into the puddle that formed underneath me. Luckily my probably broken nose and definitely split lip were the only parts of me bleeding. After another while I felt well enough to slowly stand up, almost falling down again from blacking out shortly and just feeling really dizzy in general.

I wasn’t sure how I got to the men’s bathroom but somehow I managed to limp inside, inspecting my face in the mirror. If I thought I looked awful this morning my appearance now topped it all. My left eye was swollen and bruised, my nose was definitely broken and my upper as well as lower lip was split right down the middle. I carefully lifted my shirt over my head to inspect the damage further down my body. It didn’t look like there were any broken rips but there were bruises everywhere (and certainly not the good kind Oli usually leaves on you). I sighed and retrieved my phone from my pocket, sending a text to Max saying that I was going home and that he should come over after school. I then put my shirt back on, wincing at the pain the movement caused. I grabbed my bag and quickly left the building, luckily without running into anybody.

The house was empty when I opened the front door. Of course, my parents were at work and my sister moved out a long time ago. I didn’t want to see them anyway. As pathetic as it might sound, all I wanted at the moment was to be in Oli’s arms and having him tell me that everything would be fine and watch stupid movies with him and kiss him and just know that he’d be there for me, no matter what. I just wanted to grab my stuff and go back to my car and drive up to Sheffield to apologize and hug him and kiss him and even beg him to take me back. Instead I went up to my room and fell down onto my bed, quickly drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

~~~

When I woke up Max was sitting on the bed next to me, TV running in the background.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty. Or should I say sleeping beat-up because holy shit you really look awful!” Apparently he didn’t notice my black eye until I fully turned around.

“Nice to see you too, mate,” I replied sarcastically.

“Dude, what happened to you?!”

“I got beat up.”

“No shit. But who did it?”

“Dan and his monkeys. Well, actually just his monkeys. Mainly Matt and Chris.”

“That’s awful! Your mum’s gonna have a heart attack.” He reached out, tentatively touching the dark bruise around my eye. I flinched back immediately, hissing in pain. “Sorry, man. Jesus, don’t they have anything better to do? I mean I knew Dan would get his panties in a bunch because you broke up but I didn’t think it’d be that bad.”

“Psh, it’s whatever. Is mum home yet?”

“Yup, she’s downstairs. You want me to get her or-“

“Nah, it’s fine. I can still walk y’know.” I got up and changed into a pair of sweats and a new shirt, not missing the worried look Max gave me when he saw the bruises on my torso. After that I left my room, my best friend right behind me as I went downstairs to greet my mother. She was in the kitchen preparing dinner and turned around when she heard us enter.

“Hey boys, do you- oh my god, Josh, what happened to you?!” She dropped everything, immediately rushing over to me, inspecting my face.

“It’s nothing, mum, I’m fine.”

“You’re clearly not. You’ve been different since I came home last Saturday. What’s wrong?”

I shrugged.

“Joshua James Alphonse Franceschi, you sit down right now and tell me or else I will have Max tell it!” God, I absolutely hated it when she used my whole name.

“Ugh fine,” I groaned, walking over to the kitchen island and sitting down on one of the barstools.

“I’m gonna go home, mum’s probably missing me already. See you tomorrow Josh. Bye Mrs. F!” Max suddenly chimed in, leaving the kitchen in the process and shortly after you could hear the front door open and close. I sighed (I’ve been doing that quite a lot lately) and looked at my mum.

“Well, are you gonna start?”

I let out another sigh before I started talking.

~~~

“Wait, so you fell in love with Oli, started dating him while still being with Dan, then you slept with Dan and Oli walked in on you and now you’re completely single again because Oli broke up with you and you broke up with Dan and that’s why he had his friends beat you up today?” My mum concluded while dabbing a wet paper at the cut in my lip. I still hadn’t cleaned it out which is why mum almost had a heart attack so that was now top of her priorities list. Wouldn’t want to have an infection, you know?

“Yes, that’s pretty much it,” I confirmed.

“I did not raise you to behave like that, young man,” Mum shook her head.

“Not helping!”

“You didn’t let me finish. As I said, I didn’t raise you to be like that but however I do think that you still have a chance left with Oli.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Judging from what you told me you two are pretty much made for each other, and I am very upset that you didn’t tell me anything about him by the way because I would’ve loved to meet him, and I think that he still loves you just as much as you love him, and he’s just really hurt right now. But, knowing that you are a gentleman deep down there somewhere, I am certain that you’ll be able to win him back if you do it right. And now go and put some ice on that eye of yours while I finish dinner.” She got up and threw the wet paper away, walking back over to the stove to finish cooking.  
I grabbed a bag of ice from the fridge, wrapping it in a towel and going into the living room where I lied down on the couch and turned the TV on. I didn’t pay much attention though because my thoughts kept running around what my mum had just said and the possibility of getting Oli back.


	6. Oli.

Life went on as usual. I honestly didn’t know why I expected it to be any different. Yes, I broke up with Josh but why would that bring any huge changes? University was normal, I hung out with my friends, Tom went to school, everything was perfect. Except that something was missing. I knew that I still loved Josh. I knew that I’d always love him. I knew that I could never let him go. I knew that I wanted nothing more than to pick up my phone, call him, drive down to London and have hot and dirty make-up sex. Yet I still wouldn’t, no _couldn’t_ , let myself do that. I just couldn’t risk being hurt and betrayed like that again. So instead I drowned my heartbreak in alcohol, drugs, and a shitload of work.

The worst about the whole thing was Tom though. He knew I was hurting and I could see the deep sadness and sheer helplessness in his eyes. You could clearly see that he just wanted to help me but there honestly wasn’t anything he could do.

“Hey shithead, stop thinking so hard or your brain might actually explode,” Matt whisper-yelled next to me, successfully returning my attention back to the incredibly boring lecture we were currently sitting in. I rolled my eyes but still looked over to him.

“What do you want?” I asked, clearly annoyed. I didn’t necessarily like being torn from my thoughts.

“Oh I don’t want anything but Mr. Crook up there might if you keep staring off into space like that. He’s been looking at you for the past ten minutes.” I quickly looked to the front of the classroom where our tutor was in fact staring at me. I sent a crooked smile his way which had him shaking his head, finally returning his attention back to class.

~~~

“Yanno, you should really go out with me this weekend and hook up with someone. It’ll make you feel better, I promise.” I rolled my eyes at my best friend and kept walking towards my car. Uni was finally over for today and it was Friday and there weren’t any classes this weekend and I really couldn’t wait to go back home and spent a whole weekend on the couch, watching movies, eating ice cream and wallowing in self-pity. Definitely no time for Matt’s stupid party and hook-up plans.

“Matt, you know what I think about going out at the moment. I’m not ready yet.”

“Yeah, and let me tell you, you’ll never be. Because you’ll always love Josh, no matter what. But you can’t just sit at home for the rest of your life and feel sorry for yourself. Unless you’re getting back together, which I highly hope by the way because he was actually perfect for you (I shot him a dirty glare at that that clearly said _‘drop it, Josh is a fucking asshole and I don’t ever want to see him again’_ ), you have to go to at least one party per week with me. Or hang out with me or something. I’m not gonna let you spend your life on your couch. And Tom won’t either. So are you up for tomorrow? This new super-rich kid, Blake’s his name I reckon, is having a party at his parents’ mansion and I got us invited! The other guys are coming, too. Please?”

He gave me his best puppy eyes, which were actually really cute, not as cute as Josh’s but still pretty cute, and I groaned, throwing my head back in exasperation. “Okay, fine.”

“Perfect! We’ll pick you up tomorrow around 8. Be ready and don’t chicken out or something, I’m literally going to drag you out of that goddamn house if I have to.” Unfortunately he was dead serious. I shrugged before climbing into my car, waving at my insanely annoying best friend before driving home.

Tom wasn’t there when I opened the door. Instead a white envelope was placed on the kitchen table, my name and address written neatly onto it. Well, that was weird. I decided to get something to drink first, taking a bottle of water and the mysterious envelope to my room. I closed my door behind me and sat down on my bed, putting the bottle away to take a closer look at the letter. The paper was thick and expensive looking. Still weird though, I mean, who writes letters nowadays? There’s email and texting and Facebook and all that stuff, so why write a letter? There was also return address. I finally decided to just open it, carefully tearing off the top without ripping the whole thing. Inside was, oh how surprising, a letter.

_Dear Oliver,_

_I know this might be kinda stupid because, I mean, who writes letters anymore, right? Anyway, I feel like this is far more personal than a stupid text or a Facebook message or whatever. And you wouldn’t answer my calls, so this is kinda the only way left to contact you._

_I want to apologize. I don’t expect you to accept it because I know I hurt you a lot and I also know that I probably won’t be able to ever make it up to you again. I know that. And I accept it. Just know that I never met anyone as amazing and perfect as you. Even though you might not be able to see it, you definitely are. You’re everything I was ever looking for. And I honestly have no fucking idea why I didn’t push Dan away. Why I didn’t stop him. Because he isn’t even half the man that you are. You’re stronger than anyone I know, you’re better looking and you’re definitely hell of a lot better in bed._

_And I love you. So, so, so, so very much. I can’t even begin to describe my feelings for you. And believe me; what I did to you is unforgivable. It still kills me to know that I did something so downright inhumane to you. The past weeks without you were like hell. I got beaten up by Dan’s friends. I’m not sure why I told you that. I guess I still want you to be in my life. Even if you don’t care. But yeah, I got beat up and now the whole school thinks I cheated on poor little Dan with at least five different guys because Dan tells everyone a different story. And of course nothing about the fact that he cheated on me, too. I guess I deserve it though. I deserve everything that happens to me right now, all the pain and shit thrown towards me. I deserve it because I broke you. And horrible people like me deserve to be punished._

_Anyway, I’m getting a little ahead of myself. I just wanted to say that I’m really, really, incredibly sorry. I mean it. I don’t expect you to talk to me again or answer to this letter or even forgive me. I just want you to know that I seriously regret what I did._

_I still love you._

_Josh._

I was surprisingly calm after I finished reading. I sort of expected that I would start to cry or something. But nope, nothing. It made me happy that Josh apologized. Like, actually apologized. And I was sorry that he got beaten up because of me. But I still didn’t want to talk to him again. Or answer his letter. Mainly because I was afraid that I would fall for him again. Scratch that, I knew I would fall for him again because I still loved him and my feelings never faded. And I couldn’t let that happen because I couldn’t risk getting betrayed like that again. Yet there was still this tiny bit of hope in me that Josh wouldn’t give up. That he would keep sending me stupid letters telling me about his life and stuff and that he would try to stay in contact. ~~That he would finally convince me to take him back~~.


	7. Josh.

„You wrote him a letter?“ Max asked incredulously, giving me a weird look. “Do you live in the 17th century or what?”

“People still write letters nowadays, it’s nothing out of the ordinary,” I shrugged, going back to sorting through my school, stuff while my best friend sat on my bed and watched me intensely.

“Yes, but those are old people. They’re like 90 or something. Not people our age. We use emails and texts and shit.”

“I know, I’m not stupid, mate. But Oli isn’t answering any of my calls and he’s not replying to my texts or mails so writing letters seems to be my only other option. Besides, they’re far more personal.”

“Who says that Oli reads your letters?”

“Tom does.”

“Tom? As in Tom Sykes?” His tone changed from annoyed to curious. I raised my eyebrows.

“Yes. Why’re you asking?”

“Cause I know him. And Dan knows him, too. He used to go to school here in London for a while.”

“Really?! How did I miss that?” Now was my turn to be curious and surprised.

“It was around that time when you were with your sister. You know, when she was really bad? Oh wait, you went to that hospital in Germany with her, that’s why you weren’t here. Tom was only here for about a month and that’s basically the time you were gone.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why would I? I didn’t think you’d know him or anything. Now let’s play the new GTA before I die from excitement.” Just like that he turned around, fixing his eyes on my TV where the game was already on, grabbing one of the two controllers. I sighed but decided to drop the issue for now, and joined Max on the bed to play.

~~~

_Dear Oli,  
I did absolutely nothing productive all weekend. Max basically lived here for three consecutive days and we played the new GTA. Three days straight. We’re absolutely done. I feel like I gained at least four pounds from the sheer amount of junk food consumed and the lack of movement. I kinda wish you would’ve been there with us. Wow, ok Josh, here come the waterfalls. I’m sorry, it’s just that I really actually miss you a fucking lot and it’s pretty hard to sit here, writing letters to the love of your life when you don’t even know if your significant other actually reads them. But anyway, enough whining._

_I got an A on my math test. Which is cool. I’m sorta the only one with an A in the entire class, so yeah. Pretty sweet. And my sister’s coming to visit us with her husband next weekend, I’m excited, man!!!! I haven’t seen her in over two years so it’s kinda my main event this month. Besides GTA V of course._

_Anyway, I hope you had a nice weekend._

_I miss you._

_Love,  
Josh._

~~~

The week went on as usual and I was insanely relieved when Friday finally came and school let out. I had been excited to see my sister the whole time which just had time running even slower than usual.

When I got home I could already hear the voices of my parents and my sister as well as her husband’s coming from the kitchen. I dropped my bag next to the door and took my shoes off, running to the kitchen.

“Elissa!”

She turned around as soon as she heard me, a huge smile breaking out on her face. I jumped at her and she embraced me in a bone-crushing hug. I didn’t mind though, just breathed in her smell that I had missed so much and held her close.

“Hey little brother. Long time no see, huh?”

“Far too long if you ask me,” mum chimed in from beside us. I just nodded approvingly.

“I know but you know how busy work is keeping me. And whenever I had some time off Ben didn’t, you know how it always is.”

“Well, I’m really happy that you’re finally here again,” I said, shaking Benjamin’s (my sister’s husband) hand.

After that it was basically just talking about how everyone has been and how work went and all that stuff, and I quickly decided to excuse myself and go up to my room because really, it was boring as hell.

~~~

_Dearest Oliver,_

_My sister Elissa is here right now with her husband. You have absolutely no idea how much I missed her. She actually dealt with depression, too, much like you. I hope you’re doing ok at the moment. I don’t want you to hurt yourself because of me, I’m definitely not worth it. I really hope you’re okay. I’m slightly worried._

_But back to Elissa. She’s actually perfect and like the best big sister you could wish for. Even if she was in hospital and therapy for most of her teenage years. She seems to be doing great lately. Benjamin is good for her._

_I have to go now, Elissa is coming to talk to me._

_Still deeply in love._

_Josh._

~~~

“Hey Josh, whatcha doing?” My sister asked as she entered my room. I quickly put my writing stuff away, answering with a much too fast “Nothing.”

“Yeah, sure. What are you hiding?” Of course she came over to my desk and took the letter from my hands, reading over it quickly.

“Ok, I’m slightly confused.” Elissa handed the letter back, a slight frown on her face.

“Uh, well, Oli’s just kinda a friend of mine.” Even a blind and deaf person would’ve noticed that I was lying.

“Sure. A friend you’re deeply in love with. I think it’s time for some story-telling.” I gave her a pleading look, not really wanting to tell her the whole story again after I just told it to my mum a couple weeks ago. But she stood firm. I sighed and rolled my eyes, retelling the oh so hated, life destroying, heart breaking sob story of mine.

~~~

“You seriously are the biggest dickhead I know. And I’m related to you, oh my god!”

“You are seriously not helping at all!” I said to my sister, giving her a death glare.

“I’m sorry. You do realize that you have to fix that thing with Oli immediately?”

“No shit. That’s why I’m writing those letters, because he isn’t talking to me and doesn’t answer my calls et cetera. Are you even going to tell me anything I don’t already know?” I was getting tired of everyone trying to help and instead just pointing out my flaws and telling me to fix things but not how I could actually do that.

She looked thoughtful for a second. “Well, I like your idea with the letters. And, I don’t know, but maybe you could go to Sheffield for your fall term or something and spend some time with him? I know he probably doesn’t want to do anything with you in the beginning but you could assure him that you just want to be friends with him and have him slowly fall in love with you again? Although I don’t think he ever fell out of love. Anyway, keep writing those cute little letters and go to Sheffield and get your man back. And now go to bed, it’s getting late.” She got up and left my room but not without ruffling my hair before leaving.

“I’m eighteen, mum, you can’t tell me nothing!” I yelled after her.

“Whatever, you’ll always be my baby brother!” Sometimes my sister was a huge brat.

~~~

Matt calling me was surprising, pulling me out of my sleepy daze while watching reruns of Game Of Thrones. It actually took me a good minute until I even realized what I had to do, that I actually had to pick up the phone instead of just staring at it.

“Matt? Matt Nicholls?”

_“Yeah, hi Josh.”_

“Uh, hi. What’s up?” I was more than just confused and you could definitely hear it.

_“Oh, not much. Just thought I’d invite you to this party at my parent’s house next weekend. I know it’s kinda sudden and you’d have to drive all the way up here but you could stay with me and yeah. Oli will be there, too.”_

“Is this a really lame attempt at getting us back together?”

_“Basically yes. Although I know that it’s all on Oli and that you would’ve been back with him in the blink of an eye but he’s sulking and still slightly hurt by your actions and yeah. I thought getting you two to talk to each other would be easiest at a party with alcohol and stuff.”_

I took a few minutes to weigh out the pros and cons in my head. His “plan” (because it wasn’t really a plan at all) sounded kinda convincing, like it might actually work. Or it could go horribly wrong. But no risk no fun, I guess.

“Fine. I’ll be there.”

_“Awesome! Oh and by the way, keep writing those letters, Oli loves them. He’d never admit it in front of you or anything but he shows me every single one and he’s always insanely happy about a new one.”_

“Ok, I’ll keep that in mind. See you on Saturday?”

_“Yup. I can’t wait to finally see you guys happy again.”_

Yeah sure, like that would happen anytime soon.


	8. Josh.

Music was blaring out of the speakers, through the open window and out onto the highway I was driving down. The weather was insanely nice, especially for fall and especially considering the fact that I was in England. Just as I had promised Matt I was on my way to Sheffield to attend this stupid _Get Oli and Josh back together_ -Party. Like that would work. But I promised to come and even though I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I did kinda hope that this whole thing would bring Oli and me back together. Or at least back to talking to each other. Yeah, that’d be nice.

An hour later I pulled up in front of Matt’s house. His parents must have been pretty rich given the size of the house. It was quite huge. I parked my car in the driveway and got out, taking my bag with me to the front door. It took me a while to find the doorbell because it was so small compared to everything else. A few minutes later the door opened, revealing Matt.

“Josh! Hi, so glad you actually came!” He greeted me before pulling me into a hug.

“Uh yeah, you didn’t leave me much of a choice, huh?” I chuckled awkwardly and scratched the back of my neck.

“True. But come in so I can show you your room and you can help me set everything up for tonight.”

I stepped in after him, taking a look around and gaping at the sheer gorgeousness of the house. It looked like a mansion from the Victorian times or something, not that I would know, but still had a couple modern elements. If I lived in a house like that my parents would never, and I really mean _never_ , let me have a party in here. Matt’s parents must really trust their son to not wreck anything.

“You can stop staring now, it’s not even that special,” Matt said, tearing me out of my stare.

“Are you kidding? This place is fucking amazing!” I followed him up the stairs where he led me to one of the apparently many bedrooms.

“Yeah, well, when you live here your whole life it gets kinda boring y’know? Anyway, this is your room. I’m gonna let you unpack and settle in for a while but it’d be really cool if you came down again when you’re done? Cause I definitely need the extra help.” I nodded and he left, closing the door behind him and leaving me in much too big of a room in much too big of a house with my anxiety about the following night clawing at my nerves.

~~~

We finished just in time before the first guests arrived which were Matt’s and Oli’s friends Jordan, Lee and Vegan. Surprisingly they all recognized me –actually it wasn’t that surprising, Oli or Matt probably told them what happened- but they didn’t seem to be that mad at me. Instead they completely supported Matt’s idea of getting Oli and me back together and the plan was to have the two of us spend as much time together as possible. So tonight would definitely be fun, hanging around your ex and all.

Hours later the party was in full swing and the house was packed with people. And as surprising as it might sound I still hadn’t seen Oli. I did have more than just a couple drinks though and the alcohol was already making my brain slow down and talking was becoming a little difficult. Other than that I was fine. Clumsy but fine. Matt had picked me up and brought me to the kitchen after I had accidentally bumped into a girl, sending her drink straight to her shirt. Of course she had to completely bitch me out about it and I had basically stood in front of her not knowing what to do until Matt saved me. So now I was sitting on the kitchen counter with a really annoying couple next to me, sipping on a beer and waiting for Matt to reappear.

And he did, a good thirty minutes later, with Oli right behind him. As soon as Oli spotted me sitting innocently on the counter he froze, eyes wide with shock written all over his face. Seemed like he didn’t know I was there. Matt noticed that Oli wasn’t following him anymore and turned around, gripping the other boy’s wrist and pulling him towards me.

“Hey Josh, you alright?” I nodded happily, taking another swig from the bottle in my hand. “Good, well I brought you somebody here to talk to because my girlfriend needs my attention right now so yeah, have fun.” He turned around and left but not without pushing Oli towards me again. He stumbled a little but was able to catch himself, his hand only lightly brushing my knee. I tried my best to ignore the sparks running through my body from the touch.

“Hey Oli,” I spoke softly, looking him up and down. He looked good, healthy even, much better than last time I saw him running from my house. And I couldn’t see any new scars on his arms which was also a good sign.

“Josh, why’re you here?” he asked only slightly annoyed, running a hand through his sweat-damp hair. I shrugged, emptying my bottle and setting it down next to me.

“Matt invited me so I came.”

“All the way from London?”

“Well, yeah.”

It was quiet afterwards. Oli was looking down, fiddling with his fingers out of nervousness.

“Oli?” He looked up, letting our eyes meet. I couldn’t help but stare into the dark hazel orbs that I used to love, and still loved, to death, finding a mix of emotions swimming in them. He looked right back at me, almost trough me, and it felt like he could see right into this drunken head of mine, seeing all my secrets and reading me like an open book. But I also didn’t fail to notice that he was coming towards me, steps small and hesitant, until he was standing right in front of me, faces barely inches apart and our noses touching.

“Oli-“ My voice was feeble, barely above a whimper but it was enough for him to know what I wanted. His right hand wound around my neck, the other resting high on my thigh, and he pulled my head towards his, crashing our lips together. Our lips molded together perfectly and it wasn’t long before Oli pushed his tongue into my mouth, letting it tangle with mine. I threw my arms around his neck and spread my legs, winding them around his waist in a desperate try to pull him impossibly closer. His hands rubbed up and down my thigh, each time coming ridiculously closer to the growing bulge in my too tight jeans without ever touching me.

“Shit, Oli, please just touch me.” If I was sober I would’ve been embarrassed for begging, especially that quickly but I was drunk and horny and I just wanted Oli to fuck me senseless, no matter where and if anybody saw.

Oli let out a dark chuckle, separating our lips and moving up to my ear. “Y’know, maybe,” he whispered huskily, licking along the shell of my ear, “Maybe we should save this for the bedroom?” His teeth clamped down on my ear lobe, lightly tugging on it. I breathed out a shaky “Yes.” and nodded eagerly. He chuckled again, taking my hand and helping me off from the counter before leading me to the stairs and up to the bedrooms.

“Which one is yours?”

“Second to the left.” He nodded and walked us over there, opening the door carefully and pulling me inside after seeing that it was empty. He locked the door behind us while simultaneously reattaching our lips, slowly pushing me towards the bed. The back of my knees hit the edge of the bed, making me fall backwards with Oli on top of me. He used it to his advantage and straddled my hips, long cold fingers pushing at the hem of my shirt. I got the hint and pulled away, yanking my shirt over my head and throwing it to the side while Oli did the same. He went back to kissing me, varying between tongue filled kisses and harsh love bites to my neck and it didn’t take long before the rest of our clothes were shed and we lay there, panting, with Oli lazily jerking us of.

“O-Oli…”

“What do you want, baby?” he growled into my ear, making my breath hitch because damn, that was hot.

“I need you to- fuck! I need you to fuck me.”

“Is that what you want? You want me to fuck that dirty little ass of yours? After everything you did to me, after cheating and fucking that little bitch Flint? I don’t think you deserve to be fucked by me, now do you?”

I shook my head no, Oli’s intimidating stare lingering on my face.

“Thought so. So what else should I do with you, little Joshie?”

I gulped visibly multiple times. “Y-You should punish m-me.”

His eyes widened with surprise before growing darker with lust.

“Punish you, huh. Do you want me to spank you? Spank you like the little whore you are?”

All the alcohol seemed to be drained out of my system, blood streams overtaken by lust from just the thought of Oli spanking me. I had always been kind of a pain whore, sue me.

“Y-Yes, please.” His hand immediately left my dick, making me whimper at the loss, and he manhandled me so that I was lying across his lap, his back against the headboard. His hands caressed the soft skin of my ass and I almost purred. Just almost.

“So what do you wanna count to?”

“I don’t know. Twenty?”

“Twenty sounds good to me. Count loud and clear, if you mess up we’ll start over.”

I barely had time to answer before his hand came down, cracking against my skin. I let out a yelp of surprise and pain, the stinging sensation hitting me immediately.

“One.”

The next one came right after and directly afterwards the third one, leaving me with hardly any time to stutter out the numbers. I could feel my ass growing hot from the spanks and pain shot up along my spine whenever a particularly hard blow came. The counts were now barely whispers, sometimes yelps and screams, sometimes moans. Even if I didn’t exactly want to admit it, I was incredibly hard with precum leaking all over my cock and Oli’s thigh.

“Fifteen.”

“Last five, Joshie, gotta make ‘em count.” Oh how I wanted to punch him in the face for repetitively calling me Joshie.

And he definitely made the last five count. They were much harder than the ones before, going alternately left and right, and when he was done I was panting hard and my ass felt like it had been set on fire. His cold hands ran over the raw flesh soothingly and he placed tiny kisses along my spine before he reached my ear.

“You’ve been such a good boy. I think you deserve a reward now.” He helped me back up, looking at me apologetically when my face contorted in pain but before he could say anything else I shut him up with another kiss, pushing him down onto his back.

My little moment of dominance didn’t last long though; Oli was quick to roll us over so he was hovering over me once again.

“You are so fucking beautiful, you know that?” he asked, his eyes wandering up and down my body, stopping at my eyes. I grinned.

“Just fuck me already, will ya?”

“Feisty, huh?” He chuckled but pulled a bottle of lube from the nightstand nonetheless. He lubed himself up, before spreading my legs a little wider, positioning himself at my entrance.

“You ready?” Oli whispered and I nodded. He captured my lips in another kiss before pushing in, slow and steady to not hurt me. After a couple seconds I gave him the ok to move which he did with shallow thrusts.

“Jesus Christ, Oli you just spanked me twenty times now fuck me like you mean it!” I wrapped my legs around his waist, heels digging into the small of his back to get my point across. He just glared at me but still started to pick up the pace, angling his hips but missing my spot on purpose. His elbows were on both sides of my head, his hot pants and moans hitting my face as he fucked me into the mattress, still purposely missing my prostate. I wrapped my hands around his neck, fingers tangling in the long strands of hair and pulled him down into a heated kiss, tightening around his cock. He got the hint and finally, _finally_ , started going at my spot, hitting it dead on with each thrust.

I was a moaning and panting and writhing mess underneath him, my fingernails scratching along his back and surely leaving bright red marks. Oli’s head lay in the crook of my neck, working on a love bite on my sweet spot right where my jaw connected to my neck and Matt was so going to ask questions tomorrow. But it all didn’t matter at the moment because this was us, this was Oli and me finally together after almost six months, and even though it was just mindless drunken sex, it was still the best I had felt in a long time.

I could slowly feel Oli’s thrusts becoming sloppier and it didn’t take long before he stuttered to a halt, coming deep inside me. I was about to grab my own dick since I still hadn’t come yet but Oli swatted my and away and leaned down and oh, yes, I could deal with that. Oli’s blowjobs were still the best I ever had. He licked a wet stripe along the underside, taking the head in his mouth and starting to swirl his tongue around it. A choked moan escaped my lips and my hands flew down to his hair, fingers raveling in the brown strands. I was trying hard, so hard, to not buck my hips up but I eventually did, making Oli choke slightly without it bothering him too much, instead he just moaned, sending delicious vibrations all around my cock and that was pretty much all it took before I came long and hot down his throat, a long curse of fuck and Oli falling from my reddened lips.

He pulled off with a pop and licked his lips, eyes locking with mine again. I almost expected him to say something along the lines of ‘this can never happen again’ but he just kissed me again, softly this time, before lying down next to me and pulling the covers around us. He extended his left arm to me, motioning me to snuggle up to him, which I did, head resting on his chest and arm around his waist, while his held me tightly around the shoulder. He kissed me one last time on the top of my head before we fell asleep.


	9. Josh.

I woke up alone. Of course I did, what else was I expecting? I knew from the beginning that Oli would think it was a mistake as soon as he woke up. I groaned and rolled over, my ass still hurting from last night. It had been awesome, yes, but waking up alone after being fucked by your ex when you fell asleep with the hope that something had changed, yeah, well, it sucked. I stayed in bed for another minute or so before I finally got up, putting on a clean pair of boxers and an old shirt and traipsing downstairs into the kitchen where Matt was washing the dishes.

“Hey princess, had fun last night?” he asked way too cheerful.

“I did. Would’ve been nice if my prince was still here though,” I said grumpily, slumping down on one of the bar stools and grabbing a piece of bread.

“Oli’s not with you anymore?”

“No, he must’ve left sometime last night or early this morning. I wouldn’t know, I was asleep.”

“Damn it! Fuckin’ wanker! Seriously you can’t just drunkenly fuck your ex and then suddenly realize that it was stupid and leave. Like, seriously, he could at least consider your feelings.” It was kinda cute how worked up Matt got over the whole thing. Although I completely agreed.

“Well, yeah. But what am I supposed to do? If I talk to him about it he’ll just blame it on the alcohol.”

“True. Sorry mate, I’d like to help you but man I’m stumped. I’ve known Oli for so long and not even I know what to do anymore.”

“It’s alright, you tried enough. And last night was still fun.” I gave him a reassuring smile but he just shrugged, going back to cleaning.

“I’ll figure something out,” was the last thing I said before leaving the kitchen again and going up to my room.

~~~

Tom opened the door for me, a confused look on his face.

“Uh, hi Josh? What are you doing here?”

“Wanted to see Oli. Or talk to you. Or both. I don’t know.” I rubbed my eyes tiredly, still slightly hung over from last night and hurt about the fact that Oli had just left this morning.

“Oli isn’t here right now. But you can come in.” Tom stepped aside to let me in, closing the door behind me. “Do you want some tea?”

“Yeah, sure.” I followed him into the kitchen, taking a seat at the kitchen table while he was preparing the tea. The apartment still looked exactly the same -coming to think of it, it was kinda ridiculous to expect anything else, it had only been like three months- and I had kinda missed the coziness.

“So why exactly are you here?” Tom asked when he sat down across from me , placing a cup of steaming hot tea in front of me.

“I’m not sure if Oli told you but I was at the party last night, too, and err, we kinda hooked up…” I trailed off unsure of how to continue.

“Are you serious?” Oli’s brother gave me an incredulous look.

“Uh yes?”

“Did you know that he has a girlfriend?” My eyes widened and I felt a strange pang in my chest that could’ve been jealousy as well as heart break. Hearing that Oli had somebody new definitely hurt. And made me regret the night before even more. This was just great.

“No, no, I didn’t. He didn’t necessarily mention it when he fucked me last night. Fuck! I thought I could work with what happened but not like this…not when…fucking shit fuck.” I didn’t even try to hide the tears pricking at my eyes anymore, just letting them flow freely because this was just so fucking unfair, how Oli could just go and play pretend with some girl and act like he didn’t care about me anymore and like he didn’t love me anymore while I was stuck in London writing petty letters and trying to save what was leftover from our relationship?

I could feel Tom’s hand comfortingly rubbing up and down my spine but it wasn’t helping at all. Instead I just got up, choking out a thanks and leaving, going back to my car that was already packed up with my stuff and started driving back home. I just needed to get out and possibly never come back.

~~~

The sad thing was that I still couldn’t let go. It had been about a week since the incident (sounded better than [i]the party where I got fucked and spanked by my ex just to find out that he has a girlfriend[/i]) and there were only two weeks left until fall term started and my original plan of driving to Sheffield to make Oli fall for me in a week was pretty much crushed. I had been talking to Tom quite a lot but he couldn’t help me. Neither could Max or my sister. At least Dan stayed off my ass.

~~~

_Dear Oli,_

_I heard you have a girlfriend now. Congratulations I guess. I’m honestly not sure why I’m still writing you stupid pathetic letters when you’re apparently happy and shit. And I’m happy for you, y’know. I’m glad that you’re that quick at moving on and that it was so easy for you to get over me. I’d like to do the same but maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new. I don’t know. Maybe I just don’t wanna let you go. Because I still love you. And you have absolutely no idea how much it hurts to know you’re with someone else. It probably hurts more than cheating because now I know that all my hopes of maybe having a chance at fixing things are crushed._

_And it’s a pretty low blow to sleep with me when you have a girlfriend. Slightly hypocritical too, don’t you think? Breaking up with me and hating me and stuff because I cheated just to do the same to your girlfriend? Not to mention the fact that I had to wake up alone. Would’ve been nice to just talk things out a bit but I guess you don’t have the balls for that. You’re lucky that I’m not like Dan cause I could easily sell you out to that girlfriend of yours. Hanna, her name is? Yeah, she’s pretty, I give you that. Kinda asshole-ish to trick her into thinking that you actually like her, though. Cause we both know that you still love me as much as I love you. Anyway, enough ranting. Would be nice if you grew some balls to actually talk to me sometime._

_Josh._

~~~

Despite all rational thoughts I still decided to go back to Sheffield. Matt said I could crash at his place again (or rather his parents’ place where he still lived) and Tom supported my idea completely. Max not so much.

“Dude, that guy has a girlfriend now and even though I completely agree that you totally need to get back, there’s no use in you going up there when he’s seeing someone.”

I rolled my eyes distinctively. “C’mon Max, you’re just saying that because you won’t be able to live here and eat all my food while I’m gone.”

“Exactly. And I have no one to go to parties with since we’re both totally legal now and you’re just a big asshole dipshit.”

“Whoa calm down with the swearing, your words might actually hurt me.” He glared at me and punched my shoulder while I just laughed. He was acting like a little child and he was completely aware of it but that was just so totally Max and it would probably never change, his constant whining when something didn’t go like he wanted it to but I was strangely okay with that.

“So when are you leaving?”

“Friday, directly after school. And I’ll be back on Saturday or Sunday the week after.”

“Yes, I still hate you.”

“Oh stop crying you big baby. Instead you should set up GTA cause I really wanna play right now and it makes you shut up so it’s a win-win.” I grinned at him smugly while he still glared and sat down on the bed next to him, half packed bags all around us because I was leaving the next day and thinking about it made me anxious and ready to throw up so instead I concentrated on the game and tried to completely ignore how wrong everything I had planned could easily go.


	10. Josh.

Living with Matt was actually a lot of fun. Since his parents were gone for a business trip or something like that we had the whole house to ourselves. Our days were spent playing video games or watching TV and eating tons of junk food since we were both too lazy to cook anything properly. Yet Monday came by way too fast and even though I didn’t have school, Matt had some classes in the morning and afternoon, which left me alone, pondering about what to do. I did want to go and see Oli but I kind of didn’t dare to go and see him, especially not after what happened the last time I saw him. But staying alone in the huge mansion that was Matt’s house was equally as boring and annoying as going out and maybe trying my luck with Oli.

I didn’t even want to get back together with him. I knew he had a girlfriend and even though I knew he didn’t love her properly, I still didn’t want to ruin their relationship. Yet I still missed Oli, not just in a romantic way but also friendship wise and I just wanted to get back to talking to him on a daily basis. Sighing I finally got up and turned off the TV, grabbing my car keys and Matt’s spare key from the countertop and left, driving to Oli’s and Tom’s flat.

I parked the car in front of their apartment complex and cut off the ignition but not yet leaving the vehicle. Oli’s car was parked somewhere next to me, as well as Tom’s, and another car, one that I didn’t recognize, directly next to Oli’s. Call me paranoid but I could swear that that was Hanna’s car. I spent another ten minutes in my car, debating on whether I should actually go or not, eventually just thinking ‘fuck it’ and getting out. It took me unnaturally long to get up to the apartment, mostly because I took the stairs and tried to be as slow as possible. I didn’t know why I even bothered to come here in the first place since my body was just telling me to fucking run and never come back and my mind was a clusterfuck of thoughts running around and before I knew it I had already rang the doorbell, stepping back a little and twiddling my fingers in anxious anticipation.

Tom opened the door with an exasperated look on his face and you could hear moaning in the background as well as a low thumping as if something was hitting the wall repeatedly. It wasn’t hard to guess what was going on.

“Hi Josh, you wanna get out of here?” Tom asked almost pleadingly and I just nodded, dumbfounded. I definitely didn’t expect coming in to Oli and Hanna fucking and yeah, it hurt kind of a lot. Tom grabbed his keys and closed the door behind him, leading the way to the elevator. As soon as we were inside Tom visibly relaxed, turning towards me.

“I’m sorry about that. It’s been like that he whole weekend, they hardly leave Oli’s room, only to get food or to use the bathroom, and other than that it’s just moaning and Jesus fucking Christ, I think I might be going insane if I have to endure that any longer.”

“S-So they do that every day?” I silently cursed myself for stuttering and for sounding so feeble when all I wanted was to sound confident, as if nothing of it affected me.

“Pretty much. I’m sorry Josh, I probably shouldn’t have told you that. Shit, I wasn’t thinking at all, I-“

“’S fine,” I cut him off, “Let’s just go and get something to drink or eat, alright?” Just then the elevator door opened and we stepped outside, walking over to my car.

The drive to a nearby café was short and silent, Tom awkwardly fidgeting in the seat and me staring straight ahead. I didn’t even know why I was acting the way I was, I mean, I knew Oli had a new girlfriend and it was only natural that they had sex, maybe even on a daily basis, but when I made the decision to go to Sheffield and try to work things out with my ex I didn’t expect it to be that difficult. And I hadn’t even talked to him. I still didn’t know how that would go and if Oli even wanted to talk to me or just forget about me altogether.

We arrived at a small café called “Cupboard” (how funny) and got out of the car. A little doorbell rang when we entered. Tom and I found a booth next to a big window and sat down, grabbing the two menus on the table. Shortly after a waitress appeared, dressed in a brown and red uniform and a sickly sweet smile on her face.

“Hello, welcome to Cupboard, how can I help you two?” Her tone made me want to punch a wall.

“I take the triple vanilla latte with extra cream and caramel syrup and a honey mustard and chicken Panini with a Cesar salad on the side,” Tom ordered smoothly. I hadn’t even picked anything yet, so I just ordered some sandwich (it had something to do with roast beef but I couldn’t remember) and a tea.

“So I guess Oli and Hanna are pretty happy, huh?” I asked tentatively after the waitress had left.

“Well, Hanna certainly is, but Oli isn’t,” Tom answered truthfully, confirming what I had already thought, “Even though he’s denying it, I know that he still loves you and that Hanna is just his way to get off and not think about you and how he hurt you. Jesus, he’s such a hypocrite, complaining about you cheating and then getting drunk to sleep with his ex and cheat on his girlfriend. I tried to talk to him about it, I really did, but he won’t listen to me. God, I love my brother but I kinda really hate him at the moment.” He let out a chuckle.

Just in that moment the waitress from before came back, carrying out drinks and food and setting everything in front of us, leaving with a cheeky “Enjoy your meal, guys!” I gave her a death glare, which made Tom laugh, and quickly returned my attention to the food.

“Do you think there’s a chance for me to have something with Oli again? Like, not even romantically but just as a friend? I really miss talking to him.”

Tom looked thoughtful for a moment before slowly nodding. “Yeah, if you’re smart about it and don’t give Oli the feeling that you want to get back together, it should work. You should just come by tomorrow again, I think Hanna leaves tonight, and then you could just ask him to go out to lunch with you or something, just to talk things out. And then you’ll get along perfectly and spend every day together and fall in love again and before you leave, you’re gonna have hot and loud make-up sex, but please when I’m not home, and then everything will be fine and perfect again!” He grinned at me cheekily and I laughed. Hearing it like that sounded fairly easy, but I knew it would be a lot more complicated.

~~~

Lunch with Tom was actually a lot of fun (don’t know why I thought otherwise) and we spent the rest of the day together. He was easy to talk to and we shared the same preferences for certain bands or disliked the same people. Even though I didn’t like him at first because he was (rightfully so) against me and accused me of cheating, I now realized that he was definitely a good sport and if the thing with Oli and me didn’t work out, I promised myself that I’d still stay in contact with him.

Sooner than I thought the sun was setting down and we were back on our way to Tom’s and Oli’s flat. I turned off the car and looked over to Tom who was picking up his jacket from the backseat and unbuckled his seatbelt.

“Um, so, thanks for today and saving me from the sexhell called my home. I had a lot of fun.” He smiled nervously.

“Sure, today was cool. We should do that again sometime.” I smiled back. Weirdly enough this felt like I just brought him home from a date and my eyes shortly slipped from his eyes down to his lips. I could just lean in right now and-

“I guess I gotta go now. You got my number, Josh. See you later.” I shook my head quickly, clearing it from the not so clean thoughts about Oli’s brother and replied with a short “Yeah, see ya.” With that Tom left, waving shortly before entering the building.

I spent another few minutes just sitting in my car and staring after him. What the fuck was I thinking?


	11. Josh.

„What’s going on between you and Tom?“

I flinched and nearly dropped my phone at Oli’s sudden remark. I was spending time at his and Tom’s place again, watching movies with the latter and I stayed back while he was out getting some Chinese for dinner. And out of nowhere Oli was sitting beside me, looking at me questioningly with a slightly menacing look on his face.

“Uh n-nothing?” My voice came out as a squeak.

“Yeah, sure. Are you dating? Fucking? Trying to get back at me with my brother? I swear to God, if you hurt him, Josh-“

“Jesus, Oli, calm down,” I interrupted, “there’s absolutely nothing between me and Tom, we’re just good friends and like to spend some time together, like best friends usually do. No reason for you to freak out over nothing. Besides, you’re hardly one to talk when it comes to getting back at people by dating others. Poor Hanna will be so heartbroken when she finds out that you never actually loved her.”

“Shut up.”

“Why? Is that too much for you? Can you not handle me figuring out your actions? Thought it was a super-secret and safe plan?” I knew I was pushing my luck. Oli already seemed annoyed by my constant presence and he obviously didn’t approve of my close friendship with his brother and provoking him like this certainly wasn’t doing any good. But I couldn’t help myself, this was our first moment alone since the party and I finally wanted to get all my anger out, even if it was through criticizing him and his relationship.

“Shut up, Josh. You know nothing about me and Hanna and my feelings for her.”

“Oh, come on Oliver. I know more about you than you’d like to admit, and we both know that. Stop acting like you truly love that girl. You still have feelings for me.”

“No, I don’t. You fucking broke my heart, Josh; you don’t deserve any of my feelings.”

“Yes, that’s what you think, and you’re reasonably right with that. But it’s not the truth, Oli, face it. You can’t hide from your feelings forever. Hanna might cover them for the moment with sex and her presence, but they’re still there, and they won’t just go away just because you want them to-“

“Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!” His voice rose continuously until he was almost yelling at me, making me flinch away from him. “Fuck, Josh, stop talking. I’m so sick of it. I’m fucking sick of hearing your fucking voice in this goddamn house very single day and your laughter, you’re constantly laughing and it’s so nice, so absolutely fucking perfect, you have the nicest laugh I’ve ever heard in the whole entire world, and it breaks my fucking heart that I’m not the one making you laugh, that it’s fucking Tom, and that you’re spending so much time with him, like, don’t you have other friends to annoy?? But at the same time, I don’t want you to be with anybody else, just with Tom, cause that’s the closest I can get to you nowadays and you have no idea how much I lie in my room, doing absolutely nothing but listening to you and Tom, just to hear your beautiful voice and laugh, and I’ve read your letters a ridiculous amount of times, I know them by heart by now, but I still read them every day, even though you just tell me about your day, and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t fucking take you being here and around me all the time and your smell, your wonderful smell lingering in every corner, and echoes of your voice trailing around and taking me by surprise when I expect it the least and I can’t take it, it’s making me go crazy, I can hardly spend any time here anymore, because it’s true, it’s fucking true, every little thing you said is true and I love you to pieces, more than I love anything else, you’re the most precious thing in the world, but I can’t, I can’t just be with you again, I can’t forgive you cause you’re just gonna hurt me again, Josh, I know it, because everyone always hurts me, does nothing but hurt me and I can’t let you in like that again, I can’t afford having my heart broken again, I’m going insane without you, Josh, I can’t fucking live without you, but I have to, because you can’t break me again, not again Josh…”

His sort of yelling had slowly turned into whimpering and he was full on crying now, fingers pulling on his tousled brown locks and body rocking back and forth. Despite him clearly not wanting to be close to me I leaned over, softly twisting his fingers out of his hair and wrapping my arms tightly around his shaking body, pulling him into my lap in the process. We sat there for at least a half hour, Tom had come back a long time ago but retreated back to his room quietly in order to stay out of Oli and I’s little ‘fight’. Finally Oli calmed down enough and his crying stopped. He looked up at me, eyes wet and puffy, and smiled weakly.

“You wanna eat something?” I asked carefully, not sure whether he even wanted to spend any more time with me or just be alone. But Oli nodded and climbed out of my lap so I could get up and walk over to the kitchen, grabbing some water and the two containers of food that Tom left for us. When I walked back into the living room, Oli was curled up on one side of the couch, staring intently at the black TV as if a really exciting movie was playing.

“Do you wanna watch something? Like Jurassic Park? Your favourite?” He shook his head in response. “Well, what do you wanna watch then?” I was used to him being all quiet after crying, so I knew that I had to do all the talking and read his gestures. He got up and padded over to their rack of CDs and DVDs, picking one out and holding it out to me with a triumphant smile on his face. I chuckled and took it from him, reading the title: _Rise of the Guardians_. Well that was new. But it was animated and Oli loved animated movies, especially when he was upset, so I put it in and went back to sit on the couch. As soon as I was situated Oli was cuddled into my side, mouth full with Asian noodles and head resting comfortably on my shoulder.

We stayed like that for the remainder of the night, only getting up to change the movie, until Oli was asleep next to me with little snores emitting from his slightly opened mouth. I smiled down at him and brought myself into a more comfortable position, putting a blanket on top of us and pulling Oli closer to my body, before I, too, drifted off to sleep.

~~~

The next morning I woke up alone. I was not surprised that Oli had left me once again, he probably went back to his room or left the house altogether in order to avoid me. I sighed and stretched my stiff limbs, cracking a few joints in the process.

“Jeez, you sound like an old man, Franceschi.” I flinched and turned my head, just to find Oli standing behind me, an amused look on his face and two cups of tea in his hands. “I made you some tea. You want breakfast, too? I could make some eggs or something, the fridge is kinda empty at the moment.” He walked around the couch and I quickly pulled my legs up to make room for him. He handed me my cup as soon as I was sitting upright and I took it thankfully. Tea was kind of my thing to get through the morning.

“Look, Josh, I think we need to talk.” I glanced at him over the rim of my cup, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

“Don’t you think we did enough of that last night?”

“No, I mean, yes, but I mean like, talking for real. About everything that’s been going on lately. I mean, if you even want to. Like, we can also just stop talking and never see each other again, if you’d prefer that and-“

“Oli, you’re rambling,” I chuckled, setting my tea to the side, “and I really like the idea of talking. I kinda missed you.” I laughed awkwardly, trying to hide the blush creeping up the back of my neck from my sudden confession. It was silent after that and both of us were somehow staring around the room, waiting for the other one to start talking. Finally Oli cleared his throat and looked at me.

“Well, I guess I should apologize. I’ve been a little bit of an ass lately, what with fucking you at Matt’s party and then turning up with a girlfriend and yeah. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for ignoring you the whole time and not answering any of your calls and letters and stuff. I’ve just been hurt and didn’t know how else to react and…” He trailed off, gaze turning down and fingers playing with loose threads of couch cushions.

“It’s alright, you know? It’s my fault basically. I shouldn’t have cheated on you. Like, that’s the worst thing besides lying to someone and it’s unforgivable and I still hate myself for it and it should be me apologizing a million times and not you because how you reacted was only natural and justified. So yeah, I really truly am so, so sorry for doing what I did. And I honestly just want you back. As a friend.” Oli’s shoulders visibly slumped down at my comment and I instantly knew I said the wrong thing.

“Oh, okay. Uh, friends is, uh, nice, I guess. I was hoping for more but whatever.” He got up and walked towards the exit of the living room, “I broke up with Hanna by the way. Not that you’d care, friend.” The venom in his voice made me cringe and confirmed my previous thoughts. Oli turned around and left, slamming his door behind him. Good one, Josh, leave it to me to finally make progress with my love interest just to fuck it up seconds later.

“You alright?” Tom took a seat beside me, giving me worried looks.

“Yup. Just had a talk with Oli seemingly resolving all our issues and then fucking it up again by saying that I want him as a friend when he obviously expected more and I knew it and I want it but goddamn, I’m too fucking stupid and afraid to say it and now he’s hurt again and it’ll take eternities to make any progress again and I’ll just be alone forever and never get back with him.”

“Oh. Well, why did you say that when it’s obvious that you want the opposite to happen?” Tom tilted his head to the side, looking at me confusedly.

“I don’t know! I thought he didn’t want to be in a relationship again because of all the stuff he said yesterday, but obviously he did and now I fucked everything up!” I threw my hands in the air in exasperation, tangling my fingers into my dark hair and pulling desperately at the strands.

“Hey now, stop it,” Tom scolded and took my hands out of my hair carefully, “I know what happened kinda sucks at the moment, but if you tell Oli that it was just a big misunderstanding or start meeting him again to go out and eat or watch a movie or something and show him that you still care about him and love him and want more than friendship, it should work out just fine and before you know it, you’re dating again, alright? Now stop freaking out.”

~~~

Two days later I got a call from Tom to come over and take him to the new ice cream place that had just opened around the corner. When I arrived at their flat he told me to hold on for a minute while he undertook the task of asking Oli to join us. I waited in the living room, but I could still hear them talking, mostly Tom in an insistent voice and finally the two of them left Oli’s room. Of course Oli didn’t look at me at all but I expected it and just let it go.

At the ice cream parlour Oli and I waited in line, Tom’s order ringing in my mind, while the latter had taken a seat at one of the corner tables, playing something on his phone. We stood there awkwardly, not saying a word and trying hard to avoid looking sat each other. When it was our turn, Oli ordered for the three of us, getting a marshmallow-fudge Sunday for me and two peanut butter cups for himself and Tom. He also paid for them and refused to take my money which put a little smile on my face.

“Oi guys! I’m sorry but Sebastian just texted me and apparently it’s an emergency, so I have to go,” was Tom’s greeting when we reached the table and he immediately got up, taking his ice cream from his brother and whispering a ‘good luck, don’t fuck this up’ into my ear. The little fucker didn’t even have to meet his friend or whatever; he just wanted me and Oli to spend some time together. This was going to be awkward.

It actually turned out to be pretty nice though. Even though we had some trouble to start up a conversation, as soon as we had something to talk about it just seemed to flow nicely, just like old times. We spent a couple hours at the store until they closed at eight and kicked us out. And even then we didn’t want to go back home yet.

“You wanna watch a movie? Like, actually go to the cinema and stuff?” Oli asked out of the blue, taking me by surprise.

“Uh, yeah sure. There’s actually this one film I really wanna see, American Hustle.”

“Dude, yes, I wanna see that, too! We should totally go!” An excited grin spread across his face as he made his way to my car, waiting impatiently for me to it. I was still a little confused, why would Oli want to go to the movies with me? Where it was dark and there were couples everywhere? Where everyone made out with each other instead of watching the film? When he knew that I wanted to be ‘just friends’. I still unlocked my car though and we drove to the cinema. While we were waiting in line Oli was chattering next to me like crazy, almost jumping up and down in excitement like a little child. Jesus Christ, he was so adorable that I would’ve liked to pin him against a wall and fuck him senseless. Okay, not the point.

When we finally got our tickets I had to get Oli some popcorn and a soda before we could enter the dark room where the commercials were already playing. We took our seats in the back of the room (Oli’s wish) and I handed him his food, but not without noticing the light shaking of my hands. Stupid nervousness, like anything would happen here. About halfway through the movie, the popcorn and soda were already gone, Oli snaked his hand into mine, intertwining our fingers. I could definitely live with that.


	12. Josh.

The rest of the week was filled with spending all of my time with Oli, sometimes with Oli and Matt, often with Oli and Tom, but mainly just with Oli. There was a lot of holding hands and cuddling and movies and food and almost kisses and awkward tension and close-to-boners. It was also over way too fast, because before I knew it I was sitting in my car again on my way back to London. Saying goodbye to Oli was very hard, especially since I was literally _that_ close to coming back together with him which also really sucked because it just made it much harder for the both of us. But at least we were best friends again and could talk to each other without it ending with one of us crying or upset or angry or all three of them. And I already knew that I'd miss him to pieces until I could see him again when school let out for Christmas break.

When I arrived at home my parents were gone, the only evidence that they were still alive was a note on the kitchen counter saying that they were out to get dinner and would be back later this evening. And there was money for me to order pizza. Sounded like a good Saturday night. I picked my previously dropped bag back up and went upstairs to change so I could spend the rest of the day on the couch, watching TV and stuffing my face with food. Walking up the stairs I could hear noises coming from my room and I wasn't surprised to see Max sitting on my bed, playing on his phone while the TV was running in the background.

“You do realize that you're wasting all my parents’ money when you don't even watch the TV, right?” Max looked up quickly, startled by my voice but as soon as he realized who was standing there, a big grin spread across his face.

“Joshie, you're back! Man, you have no idea how much I've missed you!” He jumped up from my bed, quickly crossing the distance between us and pulling me in for a hug.

“Come on, it's only been a week. Plus, my parents left money for pizza, so I'd say we move our asses downstairs and order food and play some Fifa on the big screen.”

“Sounds awesome. And you're gonna tell me everything that happened over the past week and if you have a boyfriend again or not.” I knew that Max would ask that so I just sighed and shrugged, changing into a pair of sweatpants and following my best friend downstairs.

~~~

“End of the story is, Oli and I are basically best friends again, but there's always sexual tension between us and many almost kisses but neither of us has the heart to ask the other one out in fear of rejection. And I don't even know if it'd work out. Like, when we get back together. Long distance has always been difficult to me.” I looked over at Max after I finished, hoping to get some form of understanding or advice, but he just sat there, staring at the TV where I was currently losing by like five goals and munching on a piece of pizza.

“To be honest, both of you are huge pussies and you should just ask him out because he will most likely say yes and even if the relationship doesn't work out, you can still say you tried again and it's just not meant to be, which it totally is if you ask me, and stay friends.” Okay, so he was actually listening.

“And how exactly am I supposed to do that? Call him and ask him out? We have a shitload of exams coming up, I can’t drive to Sheffield to just visit him.”

“Ask him to visit you.”

“Max, he has classes and exams as well, he still goes to uni, remember? It's not that easy.”

This time Max actually paused the game, dropped his controller and looked at me with an expression that clearly said I had the intelligence of a slug. Probably worse.

“Seriously Josh, what is even your problem? You sound like you did a few months ago when it came to breaking up with Dan. If you don't want to be with Oli anymore, just say it, I won't kill you, but then also be honest with Oli cause he just sits there, hoping you two still have a chance, and it's not fair to fool him like that. But if you still want to be with him, which I thought you did, then it should not be that big of a deal to just ask him out. The distance should not matter, there's phones and Skype, and if you wanna do it personally, I'm sure there'll be a weekend sometime when he can drive down here or you go visit him. So what's the problem?”

And honestly? I didn't even know how to answer to that. Because Max was right, there was absolutely no fucking problem with asking Oli out. So why did I turn it into one?

~~~

Christmas break came faster than I anticipated. Oli invited me to stay with him after Christmas and spend New Years, since Tom was staying in Canada for six months as an exchange student. I agreed without a second thought, of course ditching Max and my friends once again, but only feeling half bad about it. I mean, there was the possibility of a New Years kiss from Oli, anybody who would voluntarily miss that opportunity should get their head checked.

I had just arrived at Oli's flat in Sheffield, waiting patiently for him to open the door. It opened a few minutes later but, to my surprise, revealing Matt instead of Oli.

“Hey Josh, so good to see you again!” he greeted me while simultaneously pulling me into a hug, “Oli's showering right now, so you have the honour of spending time with me.” And okay, not that I would admit it but picturing Oli wet and naked in a shower did things to me and it was definitely time for me to shower with him again. Multiple times. And have sex afterwards. Just to shower again. And have more sex. You get the point.

“Jeez, couldn't think of anything worse, I hope Oli is back soon! Just kidding, good to see you, too, mate!” I picked up my bag after that, following Matt into the flat.

“Yo Matt, did the doorbell just- oh, hi Josh!” As soon as Oli saw me standing awkwardly in the living room a wide grin spread across his face. He obviously just got out of the shower, hair still wet and naked aside from the towel wrapped around his waist. Of course I also shared an extra long hug with him, leaving my shirt slightly damp from the wetness of his skin. I could already feel that it was going to be a good week.

~~~

“Soo there's this New Year’s party at Lee's place. In case you want to go. If not, that's fine too, we can just chill at home and not do anything if you prefer. However you want.”

I looked over at Oli who hadn't even moved his head while talking to me, eyes still fixed on the TV playing the new season of Game of Thrones. It has been five days since Christmas, four since I got here and two until New Years. Most of that time was spent on the couch with hot chocolate, over-sized hoodies (at least in Oli's case cause he preferred to wear mine), and cuddled together. I thought about it for a second. Parties usually meant alcohol and alcohol led to being drunk and being drunk usually leads to sex which is, combined with Oli and the fact that it’d be on New Year’s Eve, pretty awesome. The downside was...nah, actually, there was no downside.

“Sounds good. I mean there’ll be alcohol and New Year’s kisses, so it can’t be that bad.” Of course I didn’t mention that there’d hopefully be Oli New Year’s kisses and I could see the slight disappointment in Oli’s face but it was gone before I could say anything else.

“Well then let’s do it. Should be fun.” He said, looking at me shortly before bringing his attention back to the TV. Yes, should be fun.

~~~

The two remaining days until New Years passed quicker than I thought and before I knew it Oli and I were getting ready for the ‘big party’. Not that I thought it’d be that big, but big party or rather ‘Big Event’ (yes, capitalized, makes it more dramatic) definitely had a nice ring to it. Of course I could also call it ‘The Night When I Finally Get Back Together With Oli And Have My Awesome And Most Perfect New Years Kiss And Possibly Even Some Awesome Hot Sex’, but that’s kinda long and yeah, look at me standing in front of my bed rambling in my head instead of actually picking out an outfit. Typical Josh.

“Hey, Josh, you’re ready?” Oli’s voice sounded from the hallway, drawing closer and then he entered my room. He was already dressed in his skinniest black skinny jeans (damn, that ass) and a red button up with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Or, in other words, he was hot as hell. Right in that moment I remembered how I stood there, only in my boxers and hair still damp and tousled from my previous shower. Okay Josh, get back on track and pick your outfit.

“Almost ready, I just couldn’t really decide on what to wear yet.” I mumble, gaze averting back on my clothes spread out on my bed in front of me.

“How about you put on this with this and your black sneakers? And maybe take this jacket, too, it’s not really warm out.” Oli quickly picked out a grey jumper and dark blue skinny jeans as well as my favourite leather jacket. Seriously, girls would totally love him as their G.B.F. Luckily for me, he wasn’t interested.

~~~

Lee’s house looked exactly like it did the last time I was there. Speakers in the front yard, tons of drunk people, even though it was close to freezing outside, and couples making out and almost fucking. Oli parked his car and the three of us (we had picked up Matt on our way there) got out, walking over to the front door while simultaneously avoiding people stumbling about.

As soon as we entered some girl immediately attached herself to my shoulder. “Hey cutie, how about the two of us go and have a little fun, you know, just the two of us.” She whispered in my ear, probably trying to be seductive but failing due to the amount of alcohol in her system.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not really interested,” I replied. I mean, she was pretty but I like the dick and Oli was there and what more could you wish for? The girl pouted at me but left, directly hitting on the next guy. Greedy drunk girls are definitely no fun.

I turned around just to find Oli and Matt laughing at me and mocking the girl.

“Hey cutie, wanna fuck me???” Matt purred, fluttering his eyelashes obnoxiously.

“No sorry, I’d rather fuck Oli, y’know?” I smirked, winking at Oli who started to blush and quickly looked away to hide it. Good job, Josh, being all confident and flirty without needing any alcohol. Matt just laughed and left us, saying something about ‘checking out the ladies’ or something like that.

Multiple hours later I was pretty intoxicated, just like Oli and like, literally everyone else at the party. And there was only one hour left until midnight. So definitely time to look for Oli, who I’ve somehow lost sometime between playing beer pong with Jordan and Lee (I totally lost) and drowning five rounds of shots and some jägerbombs with Matt. Yeah, those shots were a bad idea. I grabbed another beer from the fridge in the kitchen before stumbling out, bumping into some people while doing so and slurring apologies. Yep, definitely too much alcohol tonight.

I finally spotted Oli outside by the pool after looking for him all over the house (yes, I even went in some bedrooms in the hope of finding him there...instead I was hit with multiple pieces of clothing and pillows and called an asshole, wanker and multiple other bad words, like seriously, people need to be fucking nicer).

There was a girl standing next to Oli with dark hair and some tattoos on her arms and legs, stalking to him intently and looking kinda angry. I couldn’t see Oli’s face since his back was to me, but he was slouched in a chair across from her and I could see that he kept running his hands over his face and through his hair.

I walked closer until I could finally make out who was talking to Oli so animatedly. It was Hannah. This was so not good at all.


	13. Josh.

I didn‘t even have a chance to think about what I was going to do when my legs already started walking, almost on their own accord, towards the arguing pair.

“…we’ve been dating and perfectly happy and out of the blue you break up with me without any kind of explanation and blatantly ignore me?! Who the bloody hell do you think you are?!” Hannah’s voice was shrill and annoying and sounded a little like she was about to cry but I came up blank when I tried looking for some sort of sympathy.

“Hannah, listen, we already talked about this-“

“Fuck talking about this, Oli, fuck this shit! I’m hurt okay, and you don’t give a bloody damn about it, all for some…some bloke who doesn’t even want you apparently since you’re still pathetically single…” And okay, I stopped listening after that because now she just got really rude and she obviously hurt Oli with what she said (ignoring the fact that my pride had been hurt a tiny bit, too, okay) and it was time for me to intervene.

“Hey, who do you think you are? Leave Oli alone, alright, no wonder he broke up with you when you turn into a fucking fury as soon as you don’t get what you want!” Maybe it wasn’t that smart to say something like that because she turned around immediately and if looks could kill I would’ve been dead and buried five minutes ago. That girl was scary, even scarier up close and especially scary when she was mad at you.

“And who exactly asked for your opinion, homewrecker?” Her (actually quite pretty, not that I’d ever admit it out loud) eyes narrowed menacingly at me and I had to gulp down the lump in my throat because I was maybe a little terrified. Normal Josh was hardly able to fight, drunk Josh wouldn’t survive against her for even a second. I’d probably manage to knock myself out when trying to hit her or something. Except that I would also never hit a girl.

“Hannah, calm down, you’re drunk, this is not the best way to talk about this…” Oli started again, actually getting up and putting a hand on her shoulder as if to comfort her, but Hannah just pushed him off.

“You know what, Oli, I am fucking done, I don’t ever want to talk to you or see you or even whatever you again, fuck you and your stupid boyfriend or whatever, I’m out of here!” I gotta say that surely was eloquence at its best. I kept my mouth shut though since she was pushing past me and I didn’t like being close to her and especially not when I say something dumb.

I looked over at Oli who looked both lost and relieved at the same time, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. The little crowd that had formed around us slowly dissipated, the people clearly had something better to do than watch Oli and me awkwardly stare at each other. Or maybe someone. Which reminded me of my mission and it was only five minutes until midnight and I really had to get moving if I ever wanted to get that kiss.

“Oli, I-“

“Wanna move up to the balcony and watch the fireworks from there?” Oli interrupted me and I just nodded, felt him take my hand and pull me towards the house. We made a detour through the kitchen, Oli grabbing two plastic cups with whatever, on our way up. I didn’t even know this house had a balcony, although on the other hand, it was big and fancy so why wouldn’t it have a balcony. Oli led us upstairs to what I remembered to be Lee’s bedroom which was fortunately empty. He closed and locked the door behind us, handing me one of the two cups (from the smell I’d say it was vodka with bitter lemon) before striding through the room, to the opposite side where a two winged glass door sat, revealing the view outside. You could already hear the countdown being shouted from downstairs.

“Come on, lame ass, or we’ll miss it!” Oli almost sounded childish and I just smiled, following him outside.

Eight-

Seven-

“Oli, I need to tell you something.” He turned around expectantly, eyes shimmering with anticipation, though I couldn’t tell whether he was excited about New Year’s or about what I had to say.

Five-

Four-

“I…I love you. I’m utterly and helplessly in love with you and it still pains me to think about what I did to you, but I’m so so sorry about that because all I want is to see your beautiful smile and I want to be the reason to make you smile, for the rest of our lives I want to be the reason for your happiness and your safe haven, the person that you run to no matter what happens, whether it’s positive or negative, I always want to be there for you and I know I’m drunk and rambling right now and my words probably don’t make any sense, but I just need to get this off my chest now, I love you and I always have from the first moment I laid my eyes on you and I always will, until we die cause there is and won’t ever be anyone who can compete and make me as happy as you make me. I love you Oliver, from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my testicles.” Maybe that wasn’t the best or most romantic way to finish my speech but Oli still looked like he was close to tears with a little chuckle escaping his lips at my last comment.

Two-

He stepped closer to me, still not saying a word, reaching for my face, cupping it with both his hands-

One-

Pulling me closer to him, our lips almost touching-

Cheering erupted from everywhere around us, fireworks going off almost at the same time, wishes for a happy new year floating in the air, when Oli finally, finally crashed our lips together, kissing me like I’ve never been kissed.

Although chaste at first, it soon turned heated. Oli quickly pushed me inside, haphazardly closing the balcony door with his foot and shoving me down on Lee’s bed (okay, maybe let’s not think about Lee right now), straddling my hips. I could already feel his boner digging into my thigh which would be pretty embarrassing normally but we were both drunk and what was I saying again because Oli just took off his shirt. He hurriedly did the same to me, immediately attaching his lips to my neck, wandering lower, leaving a wet trail and hickeys in the process. I whined, begging him to do something, and I could feel him grin against my skin while his hand found its way into my trousers, starting to stroke my dick slowly.

I let my hands slide down his back, purposely letting my nails scrape at the skin ever so softly, just enough to have Oli emit a hiss. I grinned, looking down at him just when he looked up, once again getting lost in the hazel orbs he called his eyes. A small smile appeared on his delicate features, his hand caressing my cheek softly, before he leaned down to capture my lips in another kiss. Even though he was still stroking me and we were both equally turned on and especially drunk, I didn’t fail to notice how this was so different from all the other times we had sex before. It had always been good of course, but also heated and fast and rough and not that I was complaining but this just felt so much better, more sincere, perfect.

His face contorted when he heard me hiss as he pushed in, but I just pulled him in for another kiss, the two of us just kinda laying there lazily kissing until I gave him the okay to move. He pulled out slowly before pushing back in with just as much caution and it was all just so delicate, so careful and mature and with so much love, as if he was trying to show his love solely by having sex with me.

He slowly increased the speed, his thrust becoming a little more forceful but still not bruising, and more targeted, specifically looking for that spot inside me, and he knew he found it when a moan of his name erupted from my throat. We kept going like that for what felt like hours, even though it was most likely less, until I could feel that familiar heat bubbling inside me. Oli obviously felt the same since his thrust became more sloppy and less coordinated, and he started to jerk me off quickly, before we came at the same time. He kind of just collapsed on top of me, not even caring that it made both our bodies stick together, breathing heavily against my neck.

A little later he pulled out, lying down next to me and draping an arm across my stomach.

“I haven’t answered before,” he spoke suddenly and so softly that I almost missed it through my half slumber. “I love you, too, Joshie, more than anything.”

I fell asleep with a sleepy smile on my face and the most precious thing in the world next to me.

~~~

“What. The. Fuck?!”

I woke up, startled by Oli’s yelling, who stood in front of me, completely naked, completely angry and completely unaware of/not interested in his naked state. I was confused to say the least, after last night I expected the morning to be a little more pleasant and a little less full of yelling.

“What’s the matter, love?”

“What’s the matter? You’re seriously asking me, what the matter is, Josh?!” He looked at me incredulously, “You fucking take advantage of me while I’m fucking drunk and have the balls to ask me what the matter is?! Besides, don’t you ever dare to call me love again, I am not your fucking love! Fucking bastard, I thought we could start again, everything was so nice between us lately and then you decide to ruin everything once again you fucking wanker!”

“Oli, wait, hold on, you got it all wrong! Don’t you remember anything from last night?” I tried feebly, hoping I could get out of this dilemma by having Oli remember what happened last night, but to no avail. If anything he just got angrier, starting to throw all kinds of stuff at me.

“The only thing I remember is talking to Hannah and then suddenly you show up and make her angry and all of a sudden I wake up naked next to you in bed and I’m 100% sure that that wasn’t my idea because I didn’t even want to ever fuck you or come together with you ever again!” Wow, that hurt a lot, here I was thinking I had a chance with Oli the whole time when apparently he wasn’t even into me at all. What had gotten into him all of a sudden?

“Oli, what the fuck is even your problem?! Acting all lovey-dovey for fucking weeks and now all of a sudden you weren’t interested the whole time? Talk about leading somebody on. And I don’t think you’re one to talk here since you don’t even remember what bloody happened last night, only standing there, making assumptions based on the two things you can recall? Because if it even matters to you, you’re the one who jumped my bones last night and fucked me and couldn’t get enough of me, and you were fucking fighting with Hannah and I tried to help you by making her go away, but apparently your feelings for her are more important than the ones you have for me, if you even have any, so I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m constantly trying to fix things between us because I fucked up badly, I’m sorry that I don’t wanna lose you, since it’s not reciprocated, okay, I’m fucking sorry, but if that’s truly the way you feel and think about me, I don’t wanna be around you anyways cause you’re making me sick okay, with your constant bipolar shit, I’m fucking tired of it!” I deliberately let out the part with the I love you and all that, he wouldn’t have cared or believed me anyways.

He stared at me like he couldn’t believe what I had just said, before putting on his clothes and running out of the room as if he was being chased by monsters. Maybe it was just the guilt that haunted him.

“Ah shit,” I scolded myself, getting dressed as well and running after him, because I just couldn’t let him leave like that.

“Oli, Oli, wait!”

“Fucking leave me alone you twat!” I could hear that he was crying, and that was so not good.

He ran through the hall and out the door, me hot on his heels and his friends looking at us confusedly, of course not understanding the scene that played out before them.

“Oli, please, let me explain!”

But my begging was to no avail, he would neither stop nor listen to me and-

“Oli, watch out!”

-of course he ran onto the street without seeing the car coming.


	14. Josh.

The next few seconds seemed to go by in slow motion. Oli had seen the car, too, and stopped right in the middle of the street, right in front of the car. He stared at it like it was some kind of magical creature and couldn’t tear his eyes away, couldn’t move, stood there completely mesmerized and frozen. I could hear the screeching brakes of the car and the hooter going off like crazy, the driver desperately trying to stop in time but it was too late. It was as if the whole world had been drained of sounds and colors as I watched Oli fly over the hood of the car, crashing into the windshield before rolling over the roof and falling down onto the street. For a few seconds I couldn’t move, standing and staring in shock, feeling like I would never be able to move again. Then the sounds slowly came back again, I could hear the car skittering to a halt, I could hear the shouting of Oli’s friends and how a car door opened and closed, probably the driver getting out.

And then I could finally move again, I felt my heart thumping so fast as if it was trying to break out of my chest, I heard my pulse, could almost feel the blood rushing through my body. Time started moving again and I could feel myself running towards the crushed body lying on the street, yelling Oli’s name over and over again, though I knew he couldn’t hear me. I knelt down beside him, carefully turning his lifeless body over and almost choked on my sobs when I finally saw him. His arms and parts of his face were pierced with scabs of broken glass, blood was tickling down his temple from presumably hitting his head. His right collarbone was most likely broken, as well as his right shin and femur, his shin bone breaking through the skin. If it wasn’t my love interest lying in my arms, I would’ve puked. Scratch that, I felt like puking, but somehow was even too shocked to do that. Even though Oli was unconscious, I could see his chest rise and fall unevenly and even felt a pulse. Although I wasn’t sure how much longer he’d survive without medical assistance.

“We called an ambulance, they should be here in a few minutes,” I heard somebody say and looked over to find Matt kneeling next to me, but somehow it all felt distant, like I was watching everything from far away. The only thing I could see clearly was Oli, my poor broken Oli, lying in my arms and I couldn’t stop another wave of nausea washing over me, only stopped by the still countless sobs that wrecked through my body.

After what felt like an eternity I could finally hear sirens in the distance when two ambulances arrived, the medics immediately rushing out. They took Oli out of my arms and strapped him onto a stretcher, putting all kinds of tubes and needles into him before rolling him over to one of the vehicles. It took me a while before I realized that one of the medics was talking to me.

“…taking him to the hospital, do you want to accompany him? What’s your relation to the patient?”

“I…I’m his boyfriend,” the words were out before I could even stop them, but the medic just nodded and asked me to follow him. I got to sit down next to Oli, taking one of his cold hands into mine, of curse without a reaction.

“What’s gonna happen to him now?” My voice was barely above a whisper, sounding high-pitched and weird, like it wasn’t my own.

The nurse sitting next to me, controlling the machines attached to Oli, gave me a pitiful smile. “We’ll have to operate as soon as we get to the hospital. He’s lost a lot of blood and we need to fix his leg up and possibly his collarbone, too, as well as run some checks to make sure there aren’t any internal damages or bleedings.” I just nodded, not understanding half of what she said, and tried to fight down another fit of tears.

When we arrived at the hospital, I was ushered out of the ambulance while they rolled Oli out as well, directly setting off towards the doors. I tried to follow suit, but was held back by the nurse I talked to barely minutes ago.

“I’m sorry, but you can’t go in there, they’re immediately taking him to the ER, starting the surgery. Come, I’ll show you the waiting area. You should get yourself a tea and try to calm down a little, and I will directly tell you when Mr. Sykes will be ready to have visitors, okay?” I just nodded, following her to the front of the building, and down a few halls until we reached a small area filled with uncomfortable hospital chairs. At least it was directly opposite of the doors that led to the ER. I sat down on one of the chairs, while the nurse excused herself, seemingly having other things to do.

Half an hour later Matt arrived with two steaming cups of tea.

“Hey man, thought you might need this. Anything new about Oli?” I accepted the drink and shook my head.

“No, he’s in the ER and they’re fixing up his leg and collarbone and run some other tests, I didn’t really understand much of what the nurse told me. But she’ll inform us when Oli’s done.”

Matt nodded but didn’t say anything else. I couldn’t blame him, I didn’t really feel like talking either, so we spent the rest in silence.

~~~

“Mr. Franceschi, Mr. Nicholls? Mr. Sykes is out of the ER now. He suffered internal bleedings and lapsed into a coma due to the damage done to his head. We don’t know yet when he’s going to wake up, but hopefully sooner rather than later. If you’d like you can come see him now, but rather one person at a time…” she trailed off, looking between the two of us questioningly.

“It’s alright dude, go and see him. I’ll wait here.” I gave Matt a thankful smile, before getting up and trailing behind the nurse. I still didn’t know her name.

“My name’s Miranda, by the way,” she noted as if reading my mind. She opened a door and let me step inside before closing the door behind me without coming in. The room held a small desk with two chairs, a door, presumably leading to an en-suite bathroom, and a wardrobe, as well as Oli’s bed of course. There were multiple machines hooked to his body, showing his pulse and heart rate and other things I didn’t recognize (unfortunately you don’t learn enough of that stuff from watching Grey’s Anatomy).

Oli lay motionless in his bed. His head was partly bandaged, probably because of the head wound he had gotten. There were red lines all over his face and arms, destroying the beautiful pictures inked into his skin, from the shards of broken glass. His upper body and right shoulder were also wrapped in a bandage whereas his right leg was in a cast from his knee downwards. It surprised me that they hadn’t put a cast on his whole leg, since his femur was broken as well, but who knows; after all I didn’t really have a clue about any medical things. The nurse, Miranda, had also told me, that a few of Oli’s rips were cracked and two were broken. Not to mention the severe concussion he suffered, which presumably was the reason for the coma. But other than that she said that he was fine, it would just take him a long time to heal and it wasn’t sure whether he could walk properly again. He might have a limp for the rest of his life. Not that I cared though because he was alive and he would heal and I’ve probably never felt as happy and relieved as I did in that exact moment.

I carried one of the chairs over to his bed, sitting down and again taking Oli’s hand into mine. I could already feel tears pricking at the corners of my eyes again.

“Oh Oli, I…how could you this to me? It’s all my fault, I should’ve…I should’ve stopped you or pushed you out of the way or…I don’t even know…” The tears were flowing freely down my face now, and I felt kinda stupid talking to someone who couldn’t hear me, but Miranda said that talking to a coma patient sometimes helped, so I tried my best.

I left about 30 minutes later. Matt still sat in the waiting room, but it didn’t seem like he wanted to see Oli, too. I couldn’t blame him, the sight was not an easy one.

“Come on, let’s go home. Do you wanna be alone or would you mind if I stayed with you at Oli’s place?”

“I don’t think being alone would be helpful now,” a humorless chuckle escaped my lips, “We should also contact Tom and tell him what happened.”

Matt just nodded, leaving the hospital with me and driving the two of us back to Oli’s flat.

~~~

The next three weeks followed the same routine. I spent the whole day sitting beside Oli’s bed, who was still unconscious, and talked to him about anything that came to mind. There was no reaction to my words at all, but Miranda kept encouraging me to go on. The doctors said Oli’s injuries were healing well, yet couldn’t tell me when he would wake up again. Matt called Tom right when we got home that first night. Apparently Tom had been calm and collected, though I was almost sure that that was just an act.

I called my mum while Matt was talking to Tom, explaining everything to her. She told me to stay in Sheffield with Oli, and that she would handle the stuff with my school. Although I knew that I would have to repeat my last year because I’d be missing some important exams. But that didn’t matter, all that mattered was Oli and his well-being.

So yeah, it had been three weeks since the accident. Three weeks and Oli still wasn’t awake. It was nerve-wrecking. Nobody could tell me how much longer it would take him to finally wake up and that sense of uncertainty was slowly killing me.

“You know, Oli, I still don’t understand why you got so mad at me that morning. I mean, I know you couldn’t remember anything, but thinking I took advantage of you…why would I do that? Like seriously, you think I’m such a piece of trash? Anyway, I should’ve told you what happened that night. Maybe then you wouldn’t have run out. And you wouldn’t have been hit by that car. Because, the thing is, Hannah was yelling at you and I made her go away and leave you alone and then you asked me to follow you upstairs and watch the fireworks from Lee’s balcony. And I did because it was New Year’s and I was hoping for a kiss from you because there’s literally no better way to start the new year. And I actually got that kiss I was hoping for. And yes, we had sex, but it was completely consensual and actually quite perfect,” I let out a dry chuckle at my sappiness, “And, you know, I thought afterwards everything would be good again. Between us, I mean. That we’d start dating again and be happy again. Funny how it turned out to be the exact opposite.”

I studied his face, of course without any visible reaction.

“See, the funny thing is, or rather, not so funny, to be honest…I told you that I loved you that night. That I loved you and that I always will and that you’re the most perfect and precious human being in my life. That you never fail to make me happy, no matter what mood I’m in. You just have to smile at me, that beautiful smile of yours, the one where your eyes get really small and wrinkled at the corners, the contagious one that automatically makes me smile, too. And that I wanna be there for you, no matter what happens, because I love you so much it makes my heart burst and my chest ache at times and my face hurt from smiling so much. That’s what I told you that night. Isn’t it ironic that you told me you loved me, too, and the day after you couldn’t stand the sight of me anymore?”

I chuckled another time, just as humorless as the first one and looked back up at his face. And was that…did I just see his eyelids flutter? I looked again, closer this time, involuntarily tightening my grip on Oli’s hand and did he just squeeze back? I felt like I was slowly losing my mind, having spent so much time with Oli, that I was imagining things now. But then a small noise escaped his throat, something like a whimper, and his eyelids were clearly fluttering now and suddenly he opened his eyes, looking around disoriented and confused before his eyes focused and settled on me, a single word tumbling over his chapped lips.

“Josh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a car accident in this chapter and i had to describe the injuries and i hope it's not too gross


	15. Josh.

Before I could register what was happening a nurse and a doctor pushed past me, immediately examining Oli. They asked him all kinds of questions, how he was feeling, if anything hurt (of course his answer was yes, who wouldn’t be in any kind of pain after what he’d been through?), if he could feel his arms and legs and fingers and toes, if he could move any of them (luckily he could), and concluded that everything was fine and that there was no permanent damage to his nervous system. He just needed to rest a lot and they would come back in a few hours to help him stand up for the first time since moving and getting his circulation back on track was really important now. And, if everything went well, he’d be able to go home in seven to ten days. During the whole procedure I noticed Oli glancing at me from time to time, his hand closest to me constantly twitching, as if he wanted to grab mine for comfort.

When the doctor and nurse finally left Oli visibly relaxed, head resting back on the elevated part of his bed.

“I feel like shit.” I couldn’t help but laugh at his statement because yeah, that was kinda obvious.

“Hm, that’s pretty obvious,” I still chuckled a little, taking a seat next to him once again.

“Care to tell me how I got into this mess? I mean, I know that I was in a car crash and what kind of injuries I have and all that jazz but why did I even run in front of a car?”

“You don’t remember any of it?” I asked, a little surprised.

“Nope, not even a little bit. I mean I remember how we went to the party and stuff but after my fourth shot everything was kind of a blur. And now it’s just a black hole. But it’s no biggie, the doctor said it’s normal to have some kind of memory loss after being in a coma and hitting my head the way I did.” He seemed so calm about it, as if he was just telling me about the weather and what he had for dinner last night. Like, if I woke up in a hospital, not remembering how I got there and having some doctor tell me that I had been in an accident and in a coma for about a month, I’d be a mess.

“Why are you so calm about this?” And okay, I didn’t mean for that question to just come out and for it to sound so accusing but, being the idiot I am and apparently having no control over my mouth whatsoever, it happened. Oli didn’t seem fazed though.

“I don’t know. Of course I’m shocked, but what happened, happened. And it wouldn’t help any of us if I sat here crying over my pathetic life. So I might as well accept it. I can handle having a broken leg and maybe having a slight limp for the rest of my life. I’m alive, I survived and nothing bad happened, I’m not blind, I don’t have amnesia, my body still functions normally and I obviously had the most luck in the whole entire world to come out of this whole thing the way I did, so why cry and complain? I’m content. Plus, you’re here with me and I remember hearing your voice in some of the dreams I had which tells me that you were probably here a lot. Which leads me to the deduction that you care enough about me to spend most of your time in this extremely boring hospital room instead of going to school. And that’s really cool. So yeah, I’m happy. As happy as you can be in this situation, obviously.”

I gaped at him. That was definitely not the reaction I expected. But on the other hand he was right. Maybe. A little. Probably. Probably maybe a little.

“You look really stupid with your mouth hanging open like that. Also, I’m really hungry. Could you maybe ask a nurse to bring me something to eat and drink?”

“Uh, sure. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.” I internally face palmed myself because of my pathetic excuse of a joke but Oli laughed. A real laugh. Where his eyes got small and crinkly and his mouth broke out into a huge grin and okay, maybe things would be okay again.

~~~

Things were not okay. They were perfect. Oli was one day away from being released and even though he still had to go on crutches (naturally) and his face scrunched up from time to time (often. Very often.) when he accidentally put too much pressure on his shoulder, he could move freely. Still needed help with basically everything but other than that all was good.

Except for one thing. Oli was still in the dark about what had happened that night and why he ran in front of the car. It just slipped both our minds and nobody brought it up. Yet, at least. I knew that I would have to tell him about it sometime. But now was not the time. Because now Matt and Lee were here and the three of them were having an amazing time, cracking jokes and laughing at stupid Youtube videos. I smiled to myself while collecting some of Oli’s clothes that were scattered all around the room. I decided to pack his bags a little already so that I wouldn’t have to do all of it tomorrow and we’d be able to leave as soon as we got the okay.

“Hey Josh, you should look at this! It’s hilarious!” Oli giggled, restarting the video.

“Definitely not doing that. Knowing you it’s probably a picture of a dick anyways.”

“Nah, I don’t need to show you dick pics when I can just show you mine,” he smirked. Lee made gagging noises next to him while Matt mumbled something along the lines of “turn down the PDA Jesus fucking Christ”. They left soon after, claiming that they were hungry.

“So are you going to stay with me until I’m able to function normally again?” There was a hopeful glint in Oli’s eyes. And no, I did not get any kind of butterflies from looking at him like that. I had myself under control. Totally. And always.

“Yeah. That was the plan at least. Unless you want me to leave-“  
“No! I mean, no, no, it’s alright. I want you to stay.”

“Then I’ll stay. For as long as you need me.”

~~~

“Okay, so keep in mind to not put too much pressure on your leg and shoulder. You can take baths, but keep the cast away from any kind of humidity. We’ll remove it in six weeks. Try not to get too dependent on painkillers, only take them if they’re _really_ needed. Oh yeah, and watch your head. Don’t hit it on anything. That’s pretty much it. Guess we’ll see you in six weeks.”

The doctor shook our hands, his assistant handing us a note with the date and time for said appointment before they both left.

About forty-five minutes later I unlocked the door to Oli’s flat, letting him enter and closing the door behind me.

“Do you need my help with anything?” I asked, dropping his bag next to me while watching him hobble over to the couch.

“Yeah, you could help me lay down. And put on a movie. And maybe make some tea.”

“Alright, anything else, your majesty?” He glared at me which only made me laugh, still going over to help him lay down. “So, which movie do you want to watch?”

“Jurassic Park.”

“Figures,” I grumbled. Not that I really cared about Oli’s movie choice though. Hell, he could have requested porn and I would’ve put it on. Or, no I wouldn’t have. Sporting a boner is embarrassing. And not being able to do anything about it and probably having to face your friend (and love interest) laughing at you about it is definitely not fun at all. So porn wouldn’t have been an option. But other than that everything else would have been. But I’m rambling. In my head. While making tea. Guess that’s what happens to you when you spent three weeks next to a coma-patient.

“Matt is going to come over later, by the way. And he’ll bring pizza.”

“Cool. I’ll go and unpack your stuff and do some laundry.”

Twenty minutes later Matt arrived with three pizzas, four bottles of coke and the new Call of Duty. Needless to say that I beat both of them.

~~~

The following days were quite uneventful. No, scratch that, they were hella boring. I mean, I didn’t expect anything else because Oli could hardly move and that was predictable but still, actually experiencing it was a little worse. At least Oli felt the same way.

~~~

A week after we left the hospital Oli decided that he wanted to take a shower.

“Oli you can’t-“

“Yes I can Josh. Why wouldn’t I be able to take a shower?” I let out an exasperated sigh. Of course he wouldn’t let me finish.

“You can’t-“

“I can, and I’m gonna do it right now.” He stood up, limping in the direction of the bathroom.

“-because you’re not supposed to get you cast wet.” That made him pause. Finally.

“Oh. I didn’t think about that.”

“Yeah, I noticed. So I’m thinking you should take a bath.”

“We don’t have a bathtub.” I tried not to think too much about the fact that he said we. Like this was _our_ flat. Where _we_ didn’t have a bathtub. I was probably just overanalyzing things. Maybe he said we because it was his and Tom’s flat. Yeah, that was probably it.

“Uhm, okay, and do you know anybody who has one?”

“Matt does.”

~~~

“This is going to be so embarrassing.” I nodded in agreement. Going to a friend’s in order to take a bath because you didn’t have a bathtub was definitely pretty high on my list of awkward things to do. And to avoid. At all costs.

The door opened to reveal Mrs. Nicholls. Which just made everything a million times worse.

“Hello Oli dear. How are you? Matt told me everything, and I’m so glad that you’re alive and well. And you must be Josh, nice to meet you.” She gave us a warm smile that I tried (and most likely failed) to reciprocate while shaking her hand.

“Uh, hi Mrs. Nicholls, is Matt here?” Oli’s voice sounded as terrified as I felt.

“No, he’s at the university. Is there anything you need?”

Okay, so now it got embarrassing.

“Oli needs to take a bath and we don’t have a bathtub,” I rushed out, feeling my face heat up gradually. Glancing at Oli I noticed that he looked the same.

“Well, of course, go right ahead! Towels and such are in the cabinet.” Okay, that wasn’t as bad as I imagined.

Because the bad part was about to come. Because I didn’t think about the fact that I actually had to help Oli undress and get into the water and not get his cast wet. So I was going to see him _naked_. And _wet._ And I should stop the images right there since none of it was helping.

“You could help me instead of just standing there and holding hands with the tap.” Oli grinned at me cheekily.

“Considering that you need my help with so much stuff in your life right now, one would think that you’d be nicer.” I walked over to him nonetheless, helping him out of his clothes and into the bathtub, his casted leg resting on the edge of it.

I few minutes passed in complete silence until Oli raised his voice again.

“You still haven’t told me what happened that night.” And there it was. The Talk. Yes, capitalized and all that jazz because I really dreaded it. More than going to school and that’s gotta say something.

“Uh, yeah, well…” My weak attempt at trailing off and avoiding the topic again failed due to Oli’s raised eyebrows. His dude are you serious look was very convincing though.

“Okay, so the party, right? We were both very drunk and sorta lost each other during the night so I was looking for you. Because I was kind of hoping for a New Year’s kiss from you. You were by the pool with Hannah and you were arguing with her and she said some really mean stuff about you and me and, uh, I said some mean stuff back so she left. And then you asked me whether I wanted to watch the fireworks from Lee’s balcony since there were only like five minutes left til midnight. So we went upstairs and…and you kissed me.” I purposefully left out the whole ‘I love you’ part. Again.

“And then one thing led to another and we slept with each other. You were on top, in case that’s important. And it was nice, like just kinda calm and gentle. We fell asleep next to each other. The next thing I know is I’m waking up and you’re yelling at me, thinking I took advantage of you and that you actually wanted to be with Hannah and I just couldn’t calm you down at all. You just took off, crying, and I went after you but you ran out of the house and onto the street and then the car came and well, we know the rest of the story…” I trailed off again. Oli looked at me as if he was contemplating something or thinking about it or maybe both. He didn’t say anything though, just motioned me over to help him get up. He dried himself off and got dressed again (although I had to lend him a hand while doing that, no innuendo intended). We left afterwards, thanking Matt’s mother again for her hospitality.

The drive back home as well as the rest of the day was spent in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoo so that's all i have so far, but i'll try to update soon. until then, feedback would be super duper cool c:


	16. Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so a few words before you start reading. I started this story in 2013 right after finishing Summertime Sadness. That was 3 years ago. The last update was in December 2014, 1 1/2 years ago, shortly before I decided to post this on here too instead of just on Mibba. Looking back on that it was really stupid to wait that long because now I'm really out of it and not feeling this whole thing anymore and while re-reading Hate to See Your Heartbreak I noticed plot hole after plot hole and well that sucks. However I don't wanna spoil anyone's mood by being salty and I don't wanna leave you guys hanging so I'm trying my best. I really hope you like this chapter and that it's not too different writing style wise. And it also has almost 2.8k words so there's that.

“So I actually ran in front of a moving car just because we fucked?” were the first words out of Oli's mouth the following day while we were having breakfast.

I snorted. “Well if you put it that way it sounds kinda ridiculous but pretty much, yeah.”

“It is fucking ridiculous! What's wrong with me?! I mean, it's not the first time we fucked right, so there was no reason at all for me to overreact like that! Plus what kind of guy tries to almost kill himself after sex?!”

I glanced at him over my scrambled eggs and couldn't help but laugh. I might as well have insulted his dead mum he looked so offended. He glared at me but it quickly dissolved into laughter too and soon we were holding our stomachs and wiping tears from our eyes.

“Like I would've understood my decision if the sex had been bad but I'm pretty sure that wasn't the case,” he giggled, looking at me as if asking for confirmation. 

“It wasn't surprisingly enough. I mean we were both very drunk and you know how well drunk sex usually works.”

“I know right. Most of the time when I had sex while being drunk I couldn't even get it up!”

“Same. And you need like twice the amount of lube because everything is dry and gross.” 

Oli hummed in agreement but didn't continue the conversation instead returning to his breakfast. I studied him for a while. He looked a lot healthier and if it weren't for the cast on his leg you'd say that he was completely fine. The tension between us had also lessened after the bath last night and it felt more like we were best friends who wouldn't be opposed to sleeping with each other as opposed to ex-lovers who didn't know if they wanted to get back together or not. Which was a development that I appreciated. Even though my original plan had been nothing but dating Oli again I realised over time that obsessively trying to get Oli to want me would lead nowhere. So now I was content with everything that would happen as long as I still had Oli in my life. 

“Are you even listening to me?” 

“What?” Obviously I wasn't. 

“I asked you what you want to do today. I'm kinda tired of just sitting around.”

“Well you're not exactly fit for walking so what other options do we even have?”

“Something where I don't have to walk much obviously,” he replied smugly. 

“No shit. We could go to the cinema.” 

“That's almost like sitting at home watching movies. Fresh air would be nice.”

“How do you plan to get fresh air? It's not like we can just take a walk in the park.”

“I know but staying inside all day slowly makes me lose my mind. I wish I could just get rid of that damn cast already. It's starting to itch.” 

“We could visit my grandparents.” I didn't know where that idea came from but now that it was out there I kind of liked it. Oli didn't seem opposed to it either. 

“Yeah and then we could drive to the lake and spend the evening at your grandparents' again.” His eyes started to shine with joy the more he elaborated our plan and I really didn't have it in me to disagree with him. Not that I would've. Considering that I had been in Sheffield quite a lot recently I hadn't visited my grandparents once since summer and I definitely needed to change that. 

“Alright sounds like a plan. Let's get ready then.” With that I got up and started putting the dirty dishes away while Oli slowly rose from his chair to get ready. Even though he was getting better at handling his crutches they still slowed him down considerably and he often got caught on corners or furniture, nearly losing his balance in the process. But I always managed to steady him before he could fall. 

I followed him to his bedroom, helping him to get changed before I got dressed as well. Since it was still January and freezing outside I grabbed scarves and beanies for both of us. Even though Oli pulled a face when I walked up to him he still let me put the beanie on his head and wrap him in his thick woollen scarf. I checked my trousers again for my keys and wallet before leaving the flat after Oli, following him to the lift. 

The drive to my grandparents was filled with music and chatter about anything and everything. When we arrived I shortly thought back to last summer. How much I hated the town with its pretty houses with perfect front gardens, the small grocery store and tiny bar where I first properly met Oli, the streets we often wandered in the summer heat. Thinking about it now it was ridiculous how much of a prat I had been and how much my life had changed in the short span of six months. 

I parked in front of my grandparents house, quickly glancing at Oli before getting out. He looked excited, his cheeks rosy from the warmth in my car. It was freezing outside with an icy wind whipping around me and I hurried to help Oli out of the vehicle, following him down the short path and up the few steps to the front door, regularly checking on him and his crutches so he wouldn't slip on the frozen steps. 

“Oli, Josh, what a pleasant surprise!” ma exclaimed after opening the door for us. She glanced worriedly at Oli's crutches but didn't say anything instead ushering us inside mumbling something about it being cold and having to make tea for us. She took our scarves and coats, hanging them in the hallway wardrobe and leading us to the living room where my grandpa sat on the couch watching football. 

“Hey pa! Is Arsenal playing again?” 

“Sure are. And they're bein' lousy again,” my grandpa mumbled, getting up to hug me and Oli in greeting. “What the fuck happened with your leg, son?” 

“John! Language!” ma scolded but you could tell that she wanted to ask the same thing. “Let's get you warmed up first!” She poured tea for the four of us and handed it over before taking a seat on the couch next to Oli and I. We sat in silence until half time started, sadly with Arsenal still being behind. 

“So what exactly did happened?” Of course my grandma had to start the conversation again. I looked over at Oli who stared into his mug, embarrassment colouring his cheeks pink.

“I got hit by a car,” he muttered eventually, his face growing even hotter from the shocked gasps and “Oh my God”s my grandparents let out. 

“Yeah it's not even that big of a deal,” he tried to reassure them, “Josh and I got in a fight and I ran out and didn't see the car coming. It's just a broken leg, otherwise I'm fine.” I was kinda thankful that he didn't mention the part where he was in a coma for three weeks because I didn't think their old hearts could've handled that. 

“Oh thank goodness,” ma sighed. Pa nodded in agreement but stayed silent. “I'm glad that the two of you are in good spirits again though. Fights can put a real strain on a relationship but luckily they're no match for young love like yours.” With that my grandma left to retrieve more tea from the kitchen. Oli looked at me questioningly and okay I might have forgotten to tell my grandparents that Oli and I had broken up. I shrugged at my friend, mouthing to just go with the flow. 

“So what are your plans for today?” pa asked with one eye on the TV. I didn't know why he bothered though because it was pretty clear that Arsenal wouldn't be able to turn the game around. 

“I don't know. We thought about going to the lake. Watch all the ice skaters while drinking tea or something.” 

“What a great idea! I'll grab you some blankets and fill a thermos so you won't get cold! Will you be back in time for dinner?” 

“Yeah, I think we will. Unless we're too much of a nuisance-” 

“Of course not! You know you and your friends are always welcome here Josh!” I couldn't even finish my sentence before I was interrupted. I rolled my eyes but smiled at my grandma. After all I was very lucky to have such a great and loving family. 

“Wanna head out?” Oli asked beside me, clearly being a bit uncomfortable. I nodded, giving him his crutches. 

We arrived at the lake fifteen minutes later, armed with multiple blankets and a big thermos filled with my grandma's famous hot chocolate. The parking lot was nearly completely full since the lake was almost always frozen in the winter time and popular with children and ice skaters. The two of us managed to occupy the last free bench, covering the frosted wood with a blanket and wrapping the other ones around us. 

“I wish we could be down there,” Oli sighed, throwing his casted leg a sour look. 

“Ehh. If we were down there we'd have to move and be cold and couldn't snuggle with hot beverages.”

“Hm, snuggle like the completely in love couple that we are,” he replied. I studied him anxiously, afraid that he would be upset about me not telling them but he grinned smugly, clearly enjoying himself. I gave him a light shove.

“Hey no reason to be an ass. I'm sure they both would've had a heart attack if I had told them about our break-up.” 

“Yeah you just keep believing that. Your grandma's tough, she could probably survive a nuclear war.” He said it with such sincerity as if he truly believed that my 78 year old grandmother could survive another war that I couldn't help but start laughing. 

“Don't laugh, you're insulting her abilities,” Oli exclaimed scandalised which of course only made me laugh harder until I almost slipped off the bench if he hadn't steadied me at the last minute. 

“See, that's what happens when you make fun of granny. Karma's a bitch.”

“Sure is.”

It got quiet after that with the two of us sitting close to each other and watching the people milling about, worried parents hurrying to their children after they fell, couples skating hand in hand, teenagers trying to outdo and impress each other. It was nice and peaceful and Oli had been right. It was a good idea to get out of the house for once even though I couldn't feel my nose anymore and regretted not bringing a pair of gloves. 

“We did some pretty fucked up things.” 

“Come again?” It took me some time to realise that Oli said something.

“I said we did some pretty fucked up things. Y'know, cheating on each other with other people and on other people with each other. Collected quite a bit of bad karma there. I can't even think about enough good deeds to make up for that. I'll probably be an ant in my next life or something,” he mused, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. 

“Sounds better that being a snail or something. Maybe you're lucky and get to be the queen. You wouldn't have anything to do besides eating and laying eggs. Doesn't sound like a bad life.” 

“True. Do you think we should start over? Forget everything that happened and start dating again?” And wasn't that the million pound question. Something crashed into my legs before I could answer. I jumped up, realising that it was a girl who had slipped on the frost that covered the grass. She stared at me with big eyes, clearly afraid that I'd be mad at her. 

“Are you alright?” I asked instead, leaning down to check if she was injured.

“Yeah, I just slipped while playing tag. I'm sorry I ran into you!” she apologized immediately. Her friends had formed a small group a few feet away, watching the scene but not daring to come closer. 

“It's not a problem. As long as nothing happened to you. Just be more careful next time, alright?” She nodded before scurrying away. To be honest I couldn't have been more thankful for a distraction like that. Oli watched the whole scene unfold but luckily didn't ask again after the girl left. Instead we decided to get up and go back since it was getting late and we were both more than a little hungry. 

Ma greeted us with another round of hot tea when we arrived. Pa collected the blankets, telling us to take a seat in the living room while he'd help ma prepare dinner. Our requests to help them were ignored. Soon enough the house was filled with the smell of herbs and cooked meat. Oli and I's stomachs growled in response. 

Mere 30 minutes later we took a seat at the dining table, two plates filled to the brim with spaghetti and meatballs placed in front of us. 

“How was it at the lake?” pa asked, helping himself to a serving of salad. 

“Cold,” Oli and I replied at the same time. Pa rolled his eyes, muttering something about sarcastic little shits under his breath and receiving a jab of ma's elbow for swearing. 

“It was nice actually,” Oli started, “There were lots of skaters for us to watch and Josh got run over by a seven year old.” Their eyes widened.

“Ehh it wasn't that bad. She slipped on the frosted grass and kinda crashed into my legs. Nothing worse than a few bruises. And she didn't hurt herself either,” I added quickly, sensing that ma was actually more concerned about the well-being of the little girl than mine. Thanks grandma. 

“So do you lads wanna stay the night or are you leaving?” 

I glanced at Oli, silently asking him what he wanted. 

“Uh I think we'll go back home. Thanks for the invite though.” He smiled politely. I understood why he wouldn't want to stay since there was only one guestroom and we'd have to share a bed. That would've been a bit awkward. Especially considering his previously unanswered question. 

After dinner we stayed for tea and biscuits, making small talk with my grandparents until they finally let us leave. Their overprotective manner was tiring but I knew they meant well. 

“Taking that trip was a great idea,” Oli said when we got on the freeway, his head leaned against the window. I hummed in agreement. It had been really nice to get out and talk to other people besides Oli's friends. And the day had been great. Besides Oli's question. That I still didn't have an answer to. My heart obviously screamed yes, almost aching with want and love that I felt for Oli. But I liked to think that I was a rather rational person. And rationally speaking getting together with Oli wasn't the best idea. It didn't work well before and I was sure it wouldn't work well a second time either. All we did was hurt each other and drunkenly hook up without it leading anywhere besides broken hearts and broken bones. So yeah, not a good idea. 

The drive passed in little to no time and before I knew it I pulled up to the parking lot in front of Oli's apartment complex. Looking over at him I noticed that he had fallen asleep while I was lost in thought.

“Hey. We're here.” I gently nudged him a couple times, watching him blink awake, confusedly looking around before he remembered where he was. It was cute. Not that I'd ever admit to thinking that but it was. 

“Come on, let's get you to bed before you fall asleep while walking,” I joked, getting him out of the car. I just barely managed to help Oli into bed before he drifted off again, obviously being tired from the exertion he wasn't used to anymore. I decided to go to bed as well instead of cleaning up some more. 

That night I slept better than I had the last few months.


End file.
